Sunday, November 10, 2013

facial fur-niture

All the sketchy mustaches that have been sprouting on faces all over the continent this month have got me thinking about panel vans, fringed suede jackets and aviator sunglasses. The association with 70's porn stars and pedovans pushes all other stache minutiae to the very back burners of the mind. 

That's probably why until this very moment, I forgot all about the mustache-growing advice that my dear departed papa used to freely hand out to all who would listen. And even to those who wouldn't.

I never saw my father without a mustache, always the same style - vaguely Hitlerish under the nose and tapering out to an abruptly abbreviated Snidely Whiplash at the sides of the mouth. A bit Don Corleone-esque, actually.

Although I never saw him take his own advice, he would coach wannabe mustachios that the sure-fire recipe for a thick luxurious lip rug was to religiously apply a poultice to coax the hair follicles:

honey on the outside, chicken shit on the inside,
because chicken shit pushes and honey pulls

How my dad ever came up with this, I never did find out. But then, much about the man was an utter mystery to me.

Good luck with the Mo-staches, gentlemen. Remember to filter your advice wisely.

10 comments:

Eugene Knapik said...

I was all set to jump on the advice until I saw the chicken-shit part.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I am very glad, for your sake, that you read all the way through to the end, Eugene. I don't even know where one would find chicken shit in the city.

metalheadfairy said...

good god. where'd I go find chicken shit.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

One would think poultry farmers have a distinct advantage in this mustache-growing competition, Metalheadfairy. Assuming anyone ever followed this advice.

Lesley said...

It's so strange to me that chicken shit has such... diversity, depending on context. Useful? Okay. BE it? NO.

:)

Barbara Bruederlin said...

It's one of those all-purpose phrases, Lesley, but you are right - never be it.

Dale said...

While I support the cause, Movember pretty much creeps me out too with the sketchy staches. One question, can you use the same poultice on your head also?

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I don't see why not, Dale, the only issue being how to get the chicken shit inside one's head. Fortunately, for some of us, this is not a problem.

John Mutford said...

Each month should have a hair fundraiser. Movember. Beardvember. Pitbruary. Legpril. Bushtober. (And for a select few with the awesome ability, Backhair June)

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I personally would vote for Backhair month to be held during sweater weather, John.