Thursday, October 15, 2009

with my face head down just staring at the brown formica, it's safer not to look around

Feeling particularly uninspired these days to put a decent sentence together, I was thrilled to see that first Charlie and then Wandering Coyote have offered me a way out of that eternal blogger conundrum - what to write when you have nothing to say.

I am not saying that Charlie and Wandering Coyote have nothing to say. No no, they are always the epitome of pithy wisdom. And sometimes they are torch bearers in the parade out of the darkness.

Fifty Things I've Never Had:

1. a tattoo
2. the desire to go to Vegas
any idea what to do with those doilies my mother-in-law gave me
jail time
the urge to watch Oprah
6. seal blubber
the ability to ignore a crookedly hung picture
dreams of flight
9. bed bugs
11. tolerance for apostrophe abuse
a self-help book
13. sex in an airplane
14. false eyelashes
the notion that hot tubs are a good idea
16. an engagement ring
a religious upbringing
18. the ability to control my rage when I see vanity plates
19. a purse dog
20. a Rick Astley album
the need to deploy a parachute
22. stilettos
23. an interest in cars
the patience to read an entire book of poetry
25. a firm grasp of calculus
26. lice
27. a weave
a university scholarship
29. twins
30. a tree fall on my car
31. an ability to crack my knuckles
32. cruise wear
33. a younger sibling
34. an alligator bite
35. the illusion that I am beautiful
36. central air conditioning
37. my legs waxed
38. a restraining order
39. tea with Thom Yorke
that fourth wisdom tooth
the ability to eat creamed corn without thinking of baby poop
42. skinny legs
43. the desire to climb a mountain
kidney stones
45. a hot air balloon ride
46. a night in an igloo
the ability to resist a Scottish accent
48. my own hard hat
a union card
50. writer's block for more than a couple of days
What about you? Got nothing to say? I'd love to hear about it.


Allison said...

But you know you secretly want a purse dog, specifically one that tilts their head. ;)

Now the bigger question - is there a difference between cruise wear and beach wear? What would distinguish the two?

Great list! I might have to partake not feeling the words much so much myself lately.

mister anchovy said...

Well that's a fine list of stuff. It could be almost infinite though, couldn't it?

Wandering Coyote said...

Excellent! Great list! I also love that tattoo - it killed me!

Sean Wraight said...

Can I be the first to say that that tattoo is gross. When that guy is 80 and kitty's little asterisk is hanging low methinks he'e gonna regret that youthful indiscretion.

I loved your list though. Very clever. Curious about absinthe too huh? Might be just the cure for writers block. Then again, sex on a plane might just do that too.

Fun post!

Charlie said...

"I am not saying that Charlie and Wandering Coyote have nothing to say."

In my case, I think you got it right.

I love your list, especially #7--we are equally anal about crooked pictures! I've actually straightened some while visiting and pissed off the visitee.


justrun said...

Our "have nots" are strikingly similar.

bloody awful poetry said...

I too, have never had dreams in which I am flying, and I have no idea what this sort of dream is so popular with everyone else. I bet they're all making it up, those lying liars.

And the Scottish accent! Of course. This looks fun, I'll be dropping by to steal it some time soon.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Oh yes, Al, it all comes down to the head tilt. This determines the purseworthiness of a dog.
I think cruise wear contains 80% more polyester than beach wear. You never actually get it wet.

Yes, it could, Mr Anchovy. There is a whole world of stuff out there that I have never had.

I am so jealous of that tattoo, Wandering Coyote! I think I could totally rock that look.

Kitty's asterisk is going to be banging into buddy's dirty bits in a few decades, Sean. Poor kitty!
You make a valid point about the writer's block cure. I'm thinking of putting on my cougar shoes and hitting the liquor store on the way to the airport! I've got some articles to write.

Confession: I often straighten out the host's pictures while visiting, Charlie. I like to believe that they appreciate my concern for their well being. Picture straighteners of the world, unite!

I knew it! I knew we were separated at birth, Justrun.

There are no such things as flying dreams, BAP. It's all an elaborate plot designed to make you and I feel inferior. Well it's not going to work.

Remi said...

You know what? I was a member in good standing of a two different unions at different points of my life and I never got a single card. All of a sudden, I feel ripped off.

kelly said...

I'm sure I could come up with a gazillion but I won't....

I have had numbers 1'2'7'11'(wish I had 13)'15'18'23'(again wish I had 29)'33'40-43'46'47 (wow combine 13'29'47 would be a life altering experience I'm sure)

John Mutford said...

My list would be similar, though I have had dreams of flight, absinthe, of course the patience to read an entire book of poetry, a university scholarship (small as it was), a night in an igloo, and a union card. I came close to a couple others, having eaten seal meat and whale blubber, and I had a restraining order against someone else.

Anonymous said...

Poetry - try "Flying Around the Room Alone", can't recall author but I bet you could finish it and like it, know you would, besides it's a thin slip of a book.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I feel like I now know everything I need to know about you, Kelly. Amazing what combining a few numbers will tell.

How was the whale blubber, John? As tasty as it sounds?
And I am of course intrigued about the restraining order. You have a darker history than you let on.

Thin slip of a book of poetry I could certainly handle, Leazwell. I will try that and then I will be able to cross that one off the list. Lord knows there are a million more waiting to take its place.

kelly said...

must learn to keep inside voice inside...

did you like my use of the under appreciated apostrophe?

John Mutford said...

I thought whale blubber was one of, if not the, most disgusting things I've ever eaten. If the taste isn't bad enough (and it is), it's so oily that it coats your tongue and throat and lingers there for what feels like eternity. Yet, plenty claim to like it. Go figure.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I was too perplexed to even get mad, Kelly.

That is exactly what I figured and feared it would taste and feel like, John. I am happy to keep that particular experience on my list.

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