Sunday, October 25, 2009

will you come home from wherever you are till the last one is rounded up

I'm still learning how to live with this new reality, it seems.  It's a very slight ripple in the larger scheme of the world, of course, but I am all about the minutiae.  I live in the details and the minor adjustments of angles and shading.  

I have found it's best not listen to Lightning Dust or other mournfulish bands while driving about running the sort of errands that I used to do on the way to pick the Resident Offspring up from school.  

We spent a lot of time together in the urban assault vehicle, after all.  It was where we perfected our Scottish accents and where we determined definitively whether Don McKellar or Tyra Banks would win in a fight.  Pah-leeze, Tyra would not even mess a single hair in one of her fierce weaves as she demolished poor Don.  I still carry my travel mug in the backseat cup holder, ready to go for that after school coffee.  

At home, oddly enough, the emptiness is less pronounced, despite the strangely clean dining room table and the unrumpled bed in her room. I guess this is because we skype most every evening, sometimes spending hours in front of the webcam, not necessarily talking a lot, but sharing snippets of info that come to mind or that surface on Oh No They Didn't.  I've taken to making little pictures with pen and ink or paint chips as we talk, and to periodically running the web cam around the room to show off the progression of the art project or how peaceful the cat looks sleeping on the spare room bed.  

And I am slowly rediscovering weekends, the time that used to be reserved for family, as a time to connect with other friends. 

I'm getting there. The quick tears of the early days have been replaced by a deeper ache that comes with the knowledge that life has changed irrevocably.  But without change, there's no discovery, no growth, no new life.

How have you adjusted to change in your life?

18 comments:

John Mutford said...

Most of the change in my life has been self-inflicted, so adjusting is just a matter of bullheadedly pushing through, saying, "you asked for this."

As for the out-of-my-control stuff, I've cried, slept, eaten, drunk, biked, showered, etc. I wait it out and don't do anything productive in the interim. Not exactly healthy I suppose.

Allison said...

My, what a clean desk you have.

I'm going through huge growing pains at the moment, and not taking things so well. Finding that the life I thought I wanted, well, looked fabulous on paper. So even though the changes have been self-inflicted, I've reacted much like how John reacts to his "out-of-my-control-stuff", except substitute biking for walking. I find myself having mini breakdowns, although you're right that - the quick tears of the early days have been replaced by a deeper ache. All I can say, thank goodness for Skype, and to Al Gore, who invented the internets.

Wandering Coyote said...

Big question I can't really address adequately here. Depends on the change, though. I've had a lot of change in the last 5 years, some of it by choice, some of it not. I just know that being gentle with yourself is important, as well as having the life experience to realize that change is transition, and transition takes time.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Chocolate. That always puts things in perspective, John.

The desk does not always look like that, Al, and I am especially surprised that it does in that photo considering the RO is in the vicinity.
I hope that things start to feel more normal soon. In the meanwhile we will worship at the church of Al Gore and hang onto our zeroes and ones.

Being kind to yourself is important, I agree, Wandering Coyote, although my tendency is to be too kind to myself. Quick gratification through being sluggish. Definitely need to work through the process though.

umbrellalady said...

You have had so many changes in the past few months - tears and aches are hard but help. I can only send you a big hug for now. Your big brother will be coming your way to hopefully cheer you up a bit at the end of the month.

bloody awful poetry said...

Dude, big question. The biggest change in my life recently was self-inflicted as well. And I do not deal with change well. Not in the least. I turn into an insufferable emo bitch for months. Chocolate and The Smiths do a little to help, though.

kelly said...

Not being a parent I can't really relate to or understand what you are saying, however I certainly won't make light of it because they are your feelings and thoughts they are completely valid. Maybe you can rent her room out to a substitute kid, several years younger, who you can play with and do things with, I'm sure you'll adjust....oh crap I wasn't going to make light of it and I did...bad Kelly.

How do I adjust to change, interesting question, I have never thought of it, I just do, being the cold emotionless bastard that I am. Actually I really don't know...there you go with the thinking stuff again!

mister anchovy said...

The biggest recent change has been introducing Memphis to the household. That meant getting up early, going to bed earlier, going for walks religiously, and thinking about how to accommodate a big slobbering goofy beast into as many activities as possible. It's been fun, even if I sometimes want to sleep in.

BeckEye said...

Awww, you're all Empty Nestish.

I'm trying to think of how I adjust to change. I remember when I first moved to New York, I was miserable. Mainly because I realized right away that I kind of hated the job that I had moved for, and that I was actually living by myself in a shithole in New Jersey with nothing but an air mattress until my roommates moved in the following month. And I just missed my family. So, I used to write lists and timelines of things I would do to get me to the end of the year. At that time, I was convinced that I would only spend a year in NYC, which is hilarious to me now. But at the time, making some sort of "plan" helped. I don't know if that applies to your situation, but you can always write out the visits with the RO, etc. When you see it written down on paper, it doesn't seem so bad. You're kind of like, "Oh, I'll see her in 3 weeks - that's not long at all." I'm rambling now and must stop.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

It been a wild ride, Kathy, no question, but with lots of good mixed in with the bad. Soooooo excited for Bruno's visit. Go Bombers!

The Smiths almost certainly assist with one becoming an insufferable emo bitch, BAP. Moz sings your pain, and his, and the guy down the street's...

Strange, I always thought I was the cold emotionalless bastard, Kelly, but life is proving me wrong. Instead of renting a new kid (although there is one I have my eye on), I am thinking of getting some more friends my own age, or not less than half my age.

A big slobbering goofy beast would be a fun way to replace my flown the coop big slobbering goofy beast, Mr Anchovy. The cat would have some objections though I think, although your cats seem incredibly well adjusted.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

That's a really good idea, BeckEye! And of course it appeals to the compulsive list maker in me. Right then, I am adding "make a timeline list" to my to-do list!

I love hearing stories of how people came to be living where they are. That must have been a really rough adjustment for you, but I always found that being younger helps you to cope with change too. Us old folks we like our supper at 4:30.

Charlie said...

I used to handle change like this:

1. Anger (I didn't LIKE change)
2. Bitch, moan, whine, and complain
3. Acceptance

Now that I'm an elderly dude, I have a tendency to go straight to acceptance. Que sera sera.

Except for supper, which is at 4:20, NOT 4:30.

kelly said...

you know what would be funny...send your daughter a card in the mail with a different return address, as if you moved and didn't tell her, see if she notices. If she does, tell her you downsized because you had an extra bedroom that wasn't needed anymore

Barbara Bruederlin said...

4:20! hahaha Now I have to figure out it you really mean eating supper, or if you mean "eating supper", Charlie.

I'll send her a card with your return address, Kelly. That'll confuse her!

justacoolcat said...

Aw, look at the bright side. Now you can have more time to obsess over me.

I do what I can.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Very neighbourly of you, JustA. I shall start obsessing right after I finish my coffee.

Jas Bhambra said...

The quick tears of the early days have been replaced by a deeper ache that comes with the knowledge that life has changed irrevocably. But without change, there's no discovery, no growth, no new life.
So true Barb, so true....
[[[[[Deep Sigh]]]]

Barbara Bruederlin said...

How are things going with all your recent changes, Jas?