Saturday, August 22, 2009

random acts of stupidity I have survived through the years:

- full-force hand placement on a red glowing stove element to see if it was still hot now that mom had lifted the pot off it (age 5)

- believing the evil guidance councellor's assertion that I would surely end up living in a cardboard box under a bridge if I did not give up ideas of studying literature in university, in order to study science (age 17)

- almost everything I did from age 18-25

- falling asleep on the back of a motorcycle on the highway (age 23)

- opening a frozen pop bottle which then exploded in my hands requiring 21 stitches, while still on crutches with a broken ankle, with an 18-month old baby underfoot (age 34)

Since then I have been the epitome of wisdom.

Have you always been so wise, or do you also have some deep dark
demons of idiocy in your personal history?

Time to share!


Charlie said...

You are correct: you have done some pretty stupid things in your life.

Me? No way. The leash and muzzle have worked wonders for sixty years.

(Actually, when you have time, I'll write a 200,000-word stupid thesis for you.)

Wandering Coyote said...

Two years ago I was baking some ciabatta bread that I had started the day before. It was epic. I decided to bake the bread exactly as instructed in the cookbook - sort of - and put a pan of water in the oven to create steam. The pan, the cookbook stated, was to be metal. I was like, WTF? I have a nice, tempered glass Pyrex baking dish that will do just fine. I put the pan in the oven, then the bread, then the ice cubes...

EXPLOSION of hot glass right out of the oven, onto me, on the the lino floor...

It was a disaster! There was glass everywhere and it was so hot it melted the lino in a couple of the places and I didn't know what to do with the loaf of bread in the oven.

In the end, I was unhurt, the bread was terrific, but I had scared the crap out of myself and my roommate and it was a bitch to clean up.

Not one of my finer baking moments.

And I thought afterwards, THAT'S why it stated "metal" pan in the recipe...

John Mutford said...

Two stupids:

1. When I was a young teen, I did a little experiment with my bike. I tied a rope to the fence and the other end to my handlebars, and proceeded to ride down a hill to see if I could absorb the impact. I could not. My mom watched the whole thing. And this was in the days before Jackass.

2. In University I shared an apartment with 4 guys and it was my week on bathroom duty. We had some stubborn water stains in the toilet bowl and after scrubbing and scrubbing, I decided to kick up the cleaner a notch, opting for oven cleaner. It stripped the enamel off, and the bowl was rusty for the rest of the year. Much worse than water stains.

But falling asleep on the back of a motorcycle? Egad! Be happy it wasn't tied to a fence.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

You're a freakin' genius compared to me.

Conky said...

OMFG @ hand stitches with crutches and a toddler...omfg.

Karen said...

Yep, some of those are pretty bad. When I was 26ish, I roasted a chicken in a pyrex dish and then put the pan on the stove top burner to make gravy. Thankfully I had walked away from the stove and was protected behind the open fridge door when it exploded and sent tiny little shards of death across the room.

Oh wait. Apparently I'm not the only one to try something silly with pyrex. YAY! WC and I must be twins :)

justrun said...

Ohhh, this is good. And by that I mean I'm going to steal it.
It pretty much all is me, plus or minus a couple words here and there.

mister anchovy said...

um, I'm not as stupid as I look, I couldn't be. Har!

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I have time, Charlie. Reading your tome and knowing that I am in good company will go a long way toward assuaging my feelings of neuronal inadequacy.

Obviously that was not your fault, Wandering Coyote. A short proviso in the cookbook to the effect that "otherwise there will be EXPLOSIONS" would have been useful. Do they not realize the bravado that they are dealing with when they write a book for chefs?
But melting the lino, that's hardcore!

It's too bad your mom wasn't videotaping the whole thing, John, you could have been the original Jackass and made millions and been an MTV star.
That oven cleaner is nasty shit. I stripped the lino off the floor with it once, just after we sold the house.

It's good to know that there is always someone more reckless than one's self. Thanks for stepping up to the plate, Dr M.

Oh yeah, I was a complete mess, Jen. You would have been impressed.

I'm wondering which one of you is the evil one, though, Karen?
At least you and WC had the sense to not be holding the damned glass in your hands when it exploded into little shards of death. But you do win some sort of prize for penning that particular phrase.

Steal away, Justrun, I welcome the company, here in Stupidsville! I can't wait to compare notes.

HA, Mr Anchovy! Sadly, I do believe I am exactly as stupid as I look. Or wait, maybe that's a good thing.

Anonymous said...

Lighting the contents of a trash barrel after pouring a little gasoline to help it along - as I turned and was walking away, big explosion, debris in flames rained just behind me. I was fortunate that day. Not one of my brighter moments. Let's see, daring to mess with a rope used to swing out over the river when the water was way up running furiously after heavy rains. I got stranded dangling over the rushing water. Don't recall how my cousin got me out of that one. I got back to dry land not completely wet.

Charlie said...

I LOVE stupid explosions, as long as no one gets hurt.

So far, I think Mutford and his bike take the Stupid Award.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

You must have been channeling my dad with your trash lighting trick, Leazwell, he used to light the bbq in a similar fashion.
Love the Tarzan trick over the rushing river! You are some kind of bad-ass!

I'm behind you on that, Charlie. I think we should send him some kind of award in recognition of his unparalleled rashness. And for admitting it.

BeckEye said...

I couldn't possibly remember all the stupid shit I've done in my life.

bloody awful poetry said...

I have a hard time believing the wise sage I now know ever did anything stupid, ever. And so far quite possibly the stupidest thing I ever did was probably drinking that bottle of kerosene. But hey, I'm young! I have my whole life ahead of me to indulge in all the various forms of stupidity it's possible for a human to indulge in.

Gifted Typist said...

Well, I stepped in a toilet once when i was 15 so, ha!

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I'm pretty certain I have blocked out a lot of the worst stuff, Beckeye. Besides there's some stuff you just don't want to know.

That's my girl, BAP! It's not too late to join the ranks of the jackasses! In fact you are just entering your prime stupidity years. Just remember, spend a little extra money and get some decent booze, that kerosene is not worth it.

I am trying to envision how that would have happened, Gifted, and I guess I am just going to have to hear the full story some day. One hopes it was not an outhouse toilet.

Allison said...

I know there has to be more but the only one that is coming to mind off hand...the time I put my electric kettle on an oven burner and then turned on the burner. Yeah, it exploded and I set my kitchen on fire.

I'm now strictly teapots only.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Okay, setting your kitchen on fire ranks right up there with impressive acts, Al! It's not enough to merely blow up the kettle, is it?

Westcoast Walker said...

Thanks for sharing your moments of genius - I think every so often, especially when I am taking myself too seriously, the Universe conspires to take my inflated ego down a few notches and put me in my place! In those moments my profound display of stupidity reminds me that I am a hugely fallible mess of contradictions and incompetence. I wouldn't have it any other way of course..

Barbara Bruederlin said...

It's our mounds of incompetence and fallibility that makes us human, Westcoast Walker. Besides everybody would hate us if we were perfect.