Friday, April 03, 2009

he would just be wondering what that screaming noise was

The parking lot of the Coop, where I stopped by to grab a few supplies, was curiously full of very badly parked cars this morning. Inside the store the congestion continued, and I believe it must have been seniors' discount day, judging by how obscenely youthful I suddenly felt.

But these were not your new-age seniors jamming the grocery aisles, those that take salsa lessons at the Chinese Cultural Centre, play basketball, and still care about personal hygiene. No, no, these were most definitely old school seniors. I saw more than one slo-mo mid-aisle shopping cart head-on collision, which went a long way toward explaining the chaos in the parking lot.

When I got back to the urban assault vehicle, I found a big boat of a senior-mobile had parked behind me. Well, sort of behind me; it was straddling sections of three parking spots, but the business end was definitely pointing at the back of my car. And just as I approached, an octogenenarian reached the senior-mobile and clamoured into the driver's seat.

I have never loaded groceries into the back of the urban assault vehicle so fast in my life, convinced that any second the engine of that big boat parked a few inches behind me would roar to life, and the driver would throw the transmission into drive and pin it. Because I had looked into his eyes, and I am pretty sure that he would have no idea why his car wasn't going anywhere as he crushed my lifeless body between his hood and my bumper.

24 comments:

Remi said...

Take heart. I'm sure he aced his driving test 60 years ago.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

But that was when a driver's test consisted of tying up your horse in front of the King Eddy Hotel, Remi. This does not comfort me in the slightest.

mister anchovy said...

there is a mall not so far from Anchovy World Headquarters which seems to have been taken over by the senior's set. I stopped in there one day for something or another and realized I was the youngest person around by at least 25 years.

Wandering Coyote said...

"Big boat of a senior-mobile" - that totally cracked me up. It's so true!

Evelyne said...

I've had few bad experiences with senior drivers, now whenever I see really white hair and that the driver looks really old, I move as far as I technically can from that car. I remember a few weeks ago a senior (very senior) driver almost hit my mom's car 3 times within one minute; suddenly we switched street... but that post was really entertaining, glad you made it back home without being injured!

John Mutford said...

Old people. Pffft. Who needs 'em?

Westcoast Walker said...

I am glad you survived - we all know that the baggy brown trousers and yellow cardigans are just a disguise, and tha many seniors are fairly badass, so I am glad you got outta there quickly.

Anonymous said...

Love it, but unfortunately seniors do not have a monopoly on poor driving habits. I think I am just as scared shitless and cautious when a newly licenced driver and buddies wheels around the corner into the Tim Hortons drive through while attempting to text message and debate with the buddies, the cause and effects of global climate change. That is why we purchase urban assault vehicles......much larger crumple zone.
Bruno

Barbara Bruederlin said...

It's sort of fun feeling like a young punk again for a half hour, isn't it, Mr Anchovy? Doesn't happen nearly enough anymore.

Those cars are massive, Wandering Coyote! Designed to inflict the maximum damage, I suspect.

That senior driver likely did not even realise they almost hit you, let alone that they did it three times in a minute, Evelyne. I'm glad you and your mom got out of there. I had a very elderly woman drive up beside me going the wrong direction and stop blissfully at the red light, unaware she was doing anything wrong.

They should be giving me their recipes, John, not terrifying me on the road. I wonder if I'll give up my driver's license readily? Of course we probably won't have any gas left by then anyway, so.

I have a ratty yellow cardigan already, Westcoast, I just need to work on getting the rest of my ensemble together and I am ready to strike fear into the hearts of the younguns.

Allison said...

You just described the Safeway parking lot here. I have no idea how people get away with taking up so much of the parking lot! Drives me crazy.

Glad you escaped.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Do you have a large seniors' contingent up there, Al? Or just people with a sense of parking spot entitlement?

Sean Wraight said...

Excellent post Barb. Reminded me of two near death scooter incidents this week for me. The first at Costco when this wiley senior was driving his like a "caffeinated monkey". She nearly clipped me twice in the cereal aisle. The second, I was out walking (and listening to the Beastie Boys- Paul's Boutique.) Needless to say the walking was a tad funky on my part but as I rounded my last turn to head home I could faintly hear what sounded like some European car horn. (I actually thought it was part of the remastered recording. Turns out this woman in a scooter is tailing me and beeping at me to move.

Man did I feel embarrassed. I would hope she did enjoy my b-boy moves and Leroy Brown hand gestures for a time though.

Get Funkeee!

s

BeckEye said...

What if they were the Canadian branch of the Young @ Heart chorus? Won't you feel like a jerk for talking smack!

leazwell said...

The older I get the more tolerant I am of the "older" dangerously not NASCAR drivers.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

hahaha Sean, great stories! You probably made scooter girl's day with your funky b-boy walk! She wasn't honking at you to get you to move, she was honking her approval.
But watch out for those Costco scooters, they'll murder you in the bbq aisle.

That actually did cross my mind, Beckeye, and I felt badly, but then I remembered that the Young@Heart folks bathe regularly. SO it couldn't have been them.

If I have to chose between dealing with the older drivers and the wannabe NASCAR drivers, I would take the older ones as well, Leazwell. At least I can outrun them, if need be.

Bubs said...

The town I work in has a big senior population--almost 28% of the population is over 65, according to the last census. At least every other month we get a pretty good crash where granny or grandpa is sitting there in the wreckage insisting "the brakes didn't work" or "the accelerator got stuck" while witnesses describe how the engine roared and the senior driver just lost control of the car. My favorite is when you honk at them, they just hunch forward further over the steering wheel and stare straight ahead, as if not acknowledging the horn honking or human screaming will prevent the accident from occurring.

kelly said...

our urban blonde friend has disappeared?

rachael chatoor said...

LMAO, you described that so wonderfully, LOL, I could actually envision the disaster the parking lot was.....and feel the panick of getting out of harms way....:)

Barbara Bruederlin said...

That is terrifying, Bubs. Remind me to give up my drivers' license willingly when the time comes.

She appears to have, Kelly. I'll have to investigate. I'll get back to you.

If my little tale saves one person from getting crushed while loading groceries, then I have done my job, Rachael.

Gifted Typist said...

Sounds like Monty Python's Hell's Grannies to me

Anonymous said...

Do I detect a touch of ageism around here?? I'm just asking...
I'm with Bruno on the scared shitless feeling I get when I see a texting and phoning driver not even noticing that he/she just about hit me out walking for my health.

Anonymous said...

OOps...didn't mean to be anonymous!
Berni Grey Hair

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Yoiks, Bruno, I missed your comment entirely there. I hope you don't think it's because I don't agree with you. Because I do!

Monty Python were eons ahead of their time, Gifted.

I didn't mean to suggest that oldsters have a monopoly on bad driving, Berni. Hell, I am practically there myself. But that one particular dude parked behind me, yoiks.

Ormand said...

I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


Kaylee

http://www.craigslistposter.info