Tuesday, April 07, 2009

bad tempered zombie's 10 step plan for surviving the post-oil apocalypse

1. get a really comfy bike seat and a proper carrier basket
2. ditch the suburban house while there is still a suburban housing market
3. move to a small city with a temperate climate or possibly beside a farmer's market
4. make friends with some Amish people, learn how to grow other food besides cherry tomatoes and rhubarb
5. learn how to make candles (again from the friendly Amish neighbours)
6. invest in a donkey or a really big strong dog, also a wagon
7. stock up on firewood
8. buy fishing hooks with barbs on them
9. learn how to kill and prepare small animals or become a vegetarian, possibly find some good grasshopper recipes
10. sharpen up any half-forgotten useful skills that I may still possess to ingratiate myself with the others, everybody appreciates a loaf of homemade bread

Did I miss anything?


Wandering Coyote said...

...Or you could just become a Hutterite!

Allison said...

Is it scary to think I know/do/have most of the things on your list? Except 4 and 6. Although does a sled count instead of wagon? I have a sled. ;)

Karen's Mouth said...

I am totally screwed. Even if my cats were strong enough to pull a wagon they wouldn't. Bastards.

Joe said...

Brush up on all those forgotten skills, like canning and beer brewing. I'm hoping to learn beekeeping this year.

mister anchovy said...

there are lots of ways to live, aren't there...but so many expectations that we all go about it in a similar way.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

All the Hutterites I know drive big gas-guzzling trucks, so I think they could be hurting too, Wandering Coyote. But at least they have the social structure in place. As long as they don't make me go to church.

A sled will be perfect for the winter, Al! You can join my compound, just bring your sled, your fish hooks and your candle-making ability.

I seriously doubt that a non-oil economy would make a whiff of difference to cats, Kees. They would still expect to be catered to. And worshipped.

I have canned, Bubs! I completely forgot about that. And the Spousal Unit used to make wine. I will leave the beekeeping to you, though. At least with canning, the worst I could do is poison everybody.

I guess people will always tend toward the familiar, Mr Anchovy, or at least something that we have some model for.

justrun said...

I pick #8. Because if I don't have heat I'm going south to find a nice beach. And, I like meat.

John Mutford said...

You and your iPod full of Radiohead and Joy Division would have corrupted the Amish in less than a week.

umbrellalady said...

There is a nice little Amish community between Neepawa and Plumas - wouldn't have to worry about a farmer's market when you live in a rural area - lots of bartering - climate could be a bit of a challenge though lol
B wants to know if you need the horse and buggy to pull your urban assault vehicle?


I'm thinking number 11 should be a fiddle so you will always have music.

I was getting a Fiddler on the Roof vibe throughout the whole thing.

Conky said...

dont forget: STOCK UP ON LIQUOR

(hahahaha my word verification is: reercup)

Barbara Bruederlin said...

A nice beach down south sounds like a great place to set up shop, Justrun. You've got fish, coconuts, rum - what more do you need?

I don't even own an ipod, John. See? I'm half Amish already.

The urban assault vehicle will be sold long before that to a family looking for a starter home, Kathy. I didn't realise there were any Amish communities in MB. This is starting to work out nicely.

The Spousal Unit does play a mean harmonica, Urban Blonde, and I can hold my own on the spoons, so we should be able to wail out Radiohead covers quite nicely.

I'm thinking of encouraging the Spousal Unit to restart the wine making hobby, Jen. That should keep us lubricated and give us an in with the others.

BeckEye said...

I've never been happier to live in a city that is based on mass transit.

John Mutford said...

This is where a richer version of myself would send you the unreleased version of an iPod Touch with 6000GB, personally autographed by Thom Yorke, complete with their entire catalogue (including b-sides and outtakes) and videos of Yorke and George Bush Sr debating the philosophy of Sabrina, The Teenage Witch. Alas, the poorer version of me simply sips a coffee, writes you a lame comment that attempts to be funny with irreverent pop culture, and gets in trouble for checking out blogs at work.

Westcoast Walker said...

A good plan considering the post-oil era will be particularily challenging for Alberta.

As for me I thankfully know some good salt of the earth Mennonite folks out in the Fraser Valley who run an acricultural co-op, and I would certainly hire one of those fine folks to come to my home and help convert my entire property into a living growing urban farm.

Entertainment would be easy - some home brewed hooch and a some favourite songs played on the ukulele on tha back porch!

Barbara Bruederlin said...

You and your city are part of the solution, Beckeye! Although I am not sure where you are going to get your food from in the P-O future.

You got in trouble at work for me, John? You're a mensch. Except now I really want to see that Thom Yorke/George Bush Sr smackdown.

I foresee ukele-players as being the rock gods of the P-O age, Westcoast. People will be throwing their homemade underwear at them.

Gifted Typist said...

Oh oh, somebody's been reading about Peak Oil.

I'm afraid it's coming and it will get here fast than we think.

Here's some well-written and very funny post-oil apocalypse musing for you. I only read it every now and then as too much of it gives me a headache


Barbara Bruederlin said...

Guilty, Gifted, actually it's Kunstler's book that I am reading, so I am quite keen to check out his site. Thanks!

I will try not to give myself an aneurysm though.

justacoolcat said...

I'm too busy trying to convince the wife to let me put an oil well in the living room to prepare for things that will never happen.

Run out of oil? Not in this lifetime.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

"Not in this lifetime", JustA? Perhaps not in yours, depending on when you are planning to die, but quite likely in our kids'.