Sunday, November 30, 2008

OMG you have a remote entry key fob, you are so edgy and desirable!

You hear a car alarm go off and you spring to action, knowing that someone is being attacked as they approach their car and they are signaling for help as they fight off their attacker, right? No, of course not. You know that some lame schlub has accidentally pushed the big red panic button on the fob as they are fumbling with their keys. These panic buttons have never been effective and are now only a meaningless annoyance.

So why are they still manufacturing them?

I once sat helplessly in the car, waiting for the Spousal Unit to come out of the liquor store, as the horn blasted incessantly and people glared at me as they passed. Without a key to put into the ignition, all I could do was shrug and look sheepish, alternating with pretending I was invisible. Meanwhile, the Spousal Unit was in the long pre-Grey Cup game beer-buying lineup, wondering who the hell was making such an ungodly racket on a Sunday afternoon.

And another thing, why the hell do people feel the need to lock their cars so audibly and aggressively? Do they think that I am impressed by the fact that they have a remote entry key fob? Considering that every single fucking person in the world has one, I seriously doubt that the possession of a piece of plastic that will allow you to lock and unlock your car from 25 feet away will make you the object of envy.

Perhaps they keep forgetting to push the lock button on the door handle as they are exiting. I can certainly understand that, I am sure they have a lot on their minds. It's hard to remember to ask for extra foam on your latte this time, when you are also trying to remember to order that second pump of vanilla. Some people have far too much going on in their lives to remember to push a button on a door handle they are hanging on to anyway.

And it's always a good idea to lock your door several times in a row, of course. Just in case it didn't really take the first time. Besides everybody enjoys the sound of your fucking car horn. Trust me, I know, I've seen the looks on people's faces as I've sat in a honking car.


Maureen said...

I disconnected my alarm....ah, country living :)

Dale said...

You took off your Radiohead shirt and this is what happened? Is it wrong for me to say I like it when you're cranky? beep beep.

Remi said...

I hate the panic button. I also hate the loud horn honk when you press the button but. . .

I also like the horn honk - once - to assure me the doors are locked. It's just easier that way. If not, I'd be doing an obsessive compulsive circle check of the car each time to make sure each door is locked.

One annoying horn honk and I don't have to look like a geek or a car thief.

If you really want pretentious technology, you need a new mitsubishi. My sister and future brother in law have two. You don't need a key. As long as the key fob is in your pocket or somewhere close to the ignition, you just turn a knob and off you go.

Me, I just take the subway. Easier that way.

mister anchovy said...

my corolla came with an after-market door locking fob when I bought it used. Periodically, the alarm would come on for no apparent reason, so I asked Frank my mechanic to disconnect the sound. Now when I unlock my car, the lights flash and that's it. I'm considering disconnecting the whole device and going back to using a key. The fact that I will then become old-school retro hip and edgy is just a pleasant side-effect.

Anonymous said...

I don't think I have an alarm on mine...but I don't want to check either, as I find them horribly annoying. My power locks are fading anyway, and it shocks people when I open the door for them manually.

Remi said...

Forget key fobs, remember when cell phones were status symbols?

Gifted Typist said...

Yeah, it's funny how an car-horn alarm! sound has come to mean silly person who screwed something up.

I'm like that with the phone. A ring used to mean "oh, someone wants to talk to me, maybe invited me to a party or something." Now it means "oh, call centre trying to scam or sell me something"

justacoolcat said...

The car alarm racket is the biggest scam since makeup. The only use I find for my panic button is the odd time there's a crowd and someone walks near my vehicle. It doesn't even matter that the person hasn't done anything wrong; by the time the they're near the car, I push the button, and the crowd has already judged.
Ahhh, mischief.

Anonymous said...

i like having the push button lock / unlock thing. Mine only honks if i hit lock twice..isn't that the same with all cars?

And as for my wasn't on el-cheapo 1992 models

Beth said...

I feel chastised.

Tanya Espanya said...

I hate when my car beeps because the beepy is so slight and limp. I'm thinking about changing the horn to the Godfather theme or something...

Didn't people have those in the 70s?


When I bought my corolla 5 years ago I was unwilling to pay an extra $5K for air conditioning, power windows and keyless door entry.

So I keep cool in summer via the breeze coming in my window, roll my windows up and down by hand and lock and unlock my doors manually.

So there.

Hmmm I guess that means I'm not edgy or desirable. Sniff...

Anonymous said...

Ellie loves the panic button. Pushes it every opportunity she gets. She even knows the difference between mine (Honda) and Ti's (Mazda), preferring mine (the louder), and has even played both in stereo.

Now, there is a certain etiquette when beeping your car. Unfortunately, I don't follow it. someone beeps a split second after I do, then I always have to have the final word. So I beep again. Sorta like real life.

Yep, I'm edgy all right. Thanks for noticing. :)

bloody awful poetry said...

I'm sorry! I wasn't paying attention to your post at all. I'm just so HAPPY to have a frakking computer again!!

Oh word verifications! How I've missed you!

Sean Wraight said...

Barbara, Barbara, Barbara,

It it were not for my beeper/lock thingie I would never find my car in our ever expanding parking lots. And now that the snow is flying here it's even harder to find. My car (Otto) has a distinctive little beep that always lets me know what snowbank he is encased in.

Now as for the panic alarm. It only goes off due to 'mitten'ed hands fumbling for keys.

So you made me feel guilty. I'll work on the memory exercises and try to rely less on electronics.

In case you are keeping record. My word verification today - bonaters. Ahhh, invented nouns!


p.s. I was accidentally edgy yesterday when I wore my Holy F *&^# t- shirt inside out. Thankfully my sharpeyed son caught my early morning indiscretion.

(It's such a bugger getting old!)

Deb said...

Mine is new and, as someone's mentioned, I use it more as a "where'd I put the car?" thing. Plus, I do love the fact that when my arms are loaded with groceries, I don't have to spill my coffee all over myself as I fumble with the key to lock the door. Other than that, can we get any lazier? How about a magnetic glove that finds the key in our pocket/purse so we don't have to rummage around looking for it?

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I think city living needs a little more alarm disconnecting too, Maureen.

I did have another shirt underneath, Dale. You failed to mention that.

I'm just going to get a chip implanted in my arm that opens all the doors and starts all the motors that I need, Remi. It's the way of the future.

You'd be starting a trend and looked upon as a bad-ass rebel, Mister Anchovy. My advice? Do it!

People are so easily shocked these days, aren't they, Al> I mean it's not as if you carried a dial phone around in your purse.

And they were the size of bricks! They are going to come back in style, Remi. Just wait.

hahaha I never liked answering the phone, Gifted, even when it was probably someone inviting me to a party. But that's just the curmudgeon in me.

Now that's just good clean fun, JustA, and an example of good usage of technology.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Sadly, not all cars are as smart as yours, Kelly. Mine honks immediately. And others do too, unless they are just trying to piss me off.

Now I feel badly, Beth! Your first day back and you get yelled at.

They also had that as the ring tone on their 25 lb cell phones, Tanya Espanya.

Au contraire, Urban, it means you are retro-edgy and desirable!

There is no hope for our future with the way you are raising that child of yours, Teddy! Mind you, she's likely rebel and buy a noiseless electric car.

At least you are honest, BAP, and that's just one of the reasons we are thrilled to have you back.

Ooooh accidental edginess is the best kind, Sean! I actually met Brian Holy Fuck last night - I have to tell you about it.
I do admit I find my car by flashing the lights. If mine only honked when I pressed the unlock, then I would be euchred. And unable to rant in this post.

How about a magnetic glove that finds the key in our pocket/purse so we don't have to rummage around looking for it? - Why are you not a millionaire, Deb? That's sheer genius.

dguzman said...

The only thing I use the panic button for is to locate my car when I'm too drunk or forgetful to remember where I parked.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

We're getting you one of those breathalyzer keychains for Christmas then, Dguzman!

Volly said...

Ohohohoho, it could be so much worse.

Ever encounter a vehicle equipped with a Viper system?

This #*%@* thing speaks. In a loud robot voice.

"Viper armed!"
"Viper disarmed"
"Stand back!"
"Do not touch vehicle!"

And then if all of the above are disregarded, you get an endless cycle of whoops, beeps, grunts and honks...

Now if it could be programmed to say "I'll be back" or "Hasta la vista, baby" I could almost tolerate it...

Not so fond memories of apartment complex living in the mid-90s.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

That would make me insane and paranoid, Volly. I know people whose house talks and it freaks me out.