Tuesday, October 21, 2008

this is why I will never again clean the house

I've been meaning to clean the kitchen cupboards for about ten years. In fact, it is chore #14 on my Lazy Unemployed Bastard list. We have the misfortune of having white kitchen cupboards, so that every spot of grease and every fleck of dust, and especially every long stringy smear of greasy dust is highly visible.

We are having a party in a couple of weeks, and you know that everybody will end up in the kitchen, because everybody always does, so I figured I would be proactive and clean the damn things, from the top down. I've got all this cut-glass crap sitting on the bulkhead above the cupboards, which were all disturbingly opaque, so I climbed up and hauled everything down and washed it all. And while I was up there, face inches from the ceiling, I could suddenly see the stringers of greasy dust hanging down from the stipple ceiling.

What asshat invented stipple ceilings anyway? There is no easy way to clean it. So I hauled out the vacuum cleaner and started trying to suck those greasy stringers off the ceiling, while still standing up on the kitchen counter. I really should have attempted this with both feet flat on the floor, because when I inadvertently pressed my arm against the halogen tracklight, I almost fell into the sink. I'm not sure if I felt the searing pain or smelled the charred flesh first, but I can tell you that those halogen fuckers are really really hot.

I now have a 2 inch by 1/3 inch strip of blistering flesh on my forearm and I look pretty bad-ass, if I do say so myself.

We may just go with the filthy toilet idea for the party, though.


Volly said...


BTW, people who come to a party and look up at your ceiling in hopes of finding greasy dust-strings are NOT your friends.

L said...

Oh my gosh, have you not learned your lesson, woman? It does not pay to clean. :)

I hope you're OK!


mister anchovy said...

I can feel that from all the way over in Ontario. Ouch indeed!

Anonymous said...

My mother always said your house can look like hell but 2 rooms should always be clean - the kitchen & the bathroom. She didn't explain it, I guess it had something to do with Chinese/English translation, but the look in her eyes said to me like some kind of vulgar fortune cookie "the place you eat should be as clean as the place you shit it out."

I commend your kitchen cleaning prowess but good goddess you're insane. :D Who are you hosting, the PM? I totally agree with volly, friends don't look at your ceilings looking for greasy webby thingies! I do understand though, sadly... it's probably some kind of voodoo the inventor of stipple-ceilings invokes so you can forever feel his epic fail as an architect.

COOL, cleaning war scars! Mercy... good thing you didn't slip into the sink, your back's not even a year healed after the Safeway parking lot took its pound of pain is it? You worry me something crazy, you know.

btw, I didn't know those were greasy strands from the ceiling, for real. I thought we just had invisible spiders or something... really! hahah, i'm such a duh.

xo 2 u!

umbrellalady said...

Bruno would be proud of you...lol

Anonymous said...

if its so badass...why no picture?

bloody awful poetry said...

"..and you know that everybody will end up in the kitchen, because everybody always does".

Dude.It happens in Canada too? I feel so..connected to you now.

Allison said...

Ouch! Hopefully its starting to feel a little better now. I'm still trying to imagine you vacuuming the ceiling. Our vacuum is not that portable though, its from the 80s.

Best of luck with the bathroom cleaning. :)

Gifted Typist said...

God, that sounds exactly like me trying to make a pie, lots of dysfunctional string dough, awkward positions, almost falling into the sink, burning self trying to get effin pie out of oven...

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Note to self: Don't mess with Bad Ass Barb.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

You make a good point, Volly. If I catch anybody eyeballing my ceiling, I am turfing them out immediately.

I am a notoriously slow learner, Justrun, but I think it is starting to finally sink in.

Sounds like you have had personal experience with halogens, too, Mister Anchovy.

the place you eat should be as clean as the place you shit it out - I am living for the day I get a fortune cookie that says that, Michelle! The minute I do, I shall pack up all the invisible spiders, grab said fortune cookie, and take a road trip down to show you.

I'm blaming Bruno for this, Kathy, he sets a bad example.

I can't find the camera, Kelly. Apparently I am unorganized as well as unclean.

It must be truly universal then, BAP, I always figured it was only a Canadian thing! You'd feel right at home at our parties then.

I'm not sure when our vacuum is from, Al, but it's totally useless, albeit somewhat portable. And one can no longer buy filters for it.

Let's switch, Gifted! I actually bake a pretty mean pie and I'll bet you are one hell of a stippled ceiling vacuumer. We'll do the mutual back-scratch.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

At least not with a halogen bulb nearby, Dr M.

John Mutford said...

You're cleaning two weeks in advance? We remember to clean about an hour before guests are about to arrive. Maybe why no one touches the appetizers covered in cat hair.

mellowlee said...

Your pooor arm! :O( I agree with JustRun, cleaning is highly overrated! It leads to nothing but trouble! I hope it heals quickly

Anonymous said...

im not sure why halogens are even in existence...i will not buy anything that has a halogen bulb and NOW i have extra reason!!

will make an awesome scab to pick at later!
(i had a dream about u last night....i came to visit hahaha)

Deb said...

Cleaning is hazardous to our health, therefore I don't clean.

If I ever decide to hang myself because I can't stand to live in the filth anymore I'm lucky to have those bastard ceilings EVERYWHERE...I will simply wrap one of those stringy hangers around my neck and jump off the counter.

Hope you have a nice party.

justacoolcat said...

My house was magically cleaned yesterday while I was at work.

It was magic. (and the cleaning lady)

Dale said...

Never ever clean, it's my motto. Just move around a lot.


Dang you got rid of those greasy strings?

My plan was to swing on them when I came to the party.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

This cleanup was 10 years overdue, I kid you not, John. And rest assured that our guests are still getting appetizers covered in cat hair.

I have the coolest scar ever, Mel. It looks like a cross between an African tribal scar and a failed suicide attempt.

The scab is already getting to that really tempting stage, Jen, where it's almost ready to pick, ut not quite. Must. Not. Pick. Yet.
When the hell ARE you going to come visit me anyway?

Damn, I never thought of that, Deb! I should have left a few of those stringers so that I have a way out of this messy world, if need be. They could have come in handy in case I ever am asked to clean the house again.

See, if I wasn't a Lazy Unemployed Bastard, then perhaps I could afford a cleaning person as well, JustA. Sadly, I AM the cleaning lady.

I move once the infrastructure starts to fail, Dale. Had to pay a plumber to fix an ancient toilet today, so I think it's time to put the house on the market.

Darling, you are talking a week from now! There will be plenty more replacement stringers by party time, Urban.

Dale said...

I just noticed your label about cleanliness Barbara and your pain is my gain. So funny.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

You are too kind, Dale, indulging my lame puns.

phlegmfatale said...

oh, poor lamb! See what happens to people who clean? I hate that shit! I'll bet you'll experience a renewed wave of industry and clean the toilet seat before the party after all!

word verification: rerince

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Oh you know I will, Phlegmfatale, I just can't leave well enough alone.