Sunday, January 13, 2008

how to lose five pounds in one week without even exercising

It's easy. Simply get yourself a debilitating back injury and watch the pounds just fall off. Of course they will start creeping back on once you start eating again, so I guess I don't really recommend it.

It's our three-week anniversary today, my back injury and I. We've been together for so long now that I feel I am really getting to know it. I think I'll call it Nigel.

Some other things I have learned about back injuries and pain in general from my three weeks with Nigel are:

- Pain seems to wreak havoc on your hypothalamus. Or maybe it's all the drugs. I used to be someone who was quite comfortable in a sweater during the winter even though we keep our house quite cool. Not anymore! I wear at least four, sometimes five, layers all the time now. I am rocking the bag lady look, I tell you.

- You can be comfortable or you can be awake. You can't be both.

- Therapeutic massages hurt like hell the next day. People tell me that they are worth it and they really do help to strip away the scar tissue, but I sure dread them.

- All drugs stop working after a while, and there is nothing scarier than when your drugs stop working on a weekend or a holiday and you have to wait a few days to see your doctor.

- Pain is a major depressant.

- I used to prefer cloudy days to sunny ones, but right now I cannot tolerate them, as they depress the hell out of me. Thank god it's way too sunny in this damn place.

- Once the really debilitating pain has passed into aching or stabbing pain, you learn to appreciate the subtleties of pain. It really is quite a fascinating phenomenon, with so many levels and so many degrees. No wonder pain control is a multi-billion dollar industry.

I am going back to work tomorrow.

I'm a little terrified, but anxious to break out of this cycle of taking pills and sleeping. I may only be at work for an hour or two, but at least I can get my files together and bring them home, so that I can deal with those crucial items while still getting my naps in.

Wish me luck.


Allison said...

"You can be comfortable or you can be awake. You can't be both.

That is the best summation of how you feel with back pain.

I am happy to hear you'll be venturing back to work tomorrow, take it easy though. Best not to anger Nigel. Be sure to soothe him with pleasant tunes on the car ride and a heating pad.

Hopefully all this mess will be behind you soon enough!

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Never fear, Al, Nigel will be handled with kid gloves, If he says it's nap time, I am not going to argue the point.

Dale said...

I remember someone recommending a massage when I'd hurt my back and they worked it (my back, haha) so hard, they bruised it so badly I needed additional meds. No damned fun. How you can write and still be coherent and entertaining is beyond me. Get well soon. Maybe if you called Thom Yorke, he'd stop by? Make a wish.

Anonymous said...

Hey Barb,
Sorry to hear that the back is still causing problems. Three weeks and still the same?
And you have stop drinking coffee? Now that is serious!
Hope it goes well at work tomorrow, perhaps it will take the mind off the back pain.
Take care,

Anonymous said...

pain can be very depressing. Many people with chronic pain are alse treated for depression. not by experience...cause I live with a pharmacist and i see the meds that people take on many of the medical calls we go to

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Ouch, Dale, you're making my back ache just thinking about it. That must have been pretty scary, actually, poor dear. Hey, maybe Thom wants to come over and walk on my back or something.

I'm thinking I need a distraction, Bruno, that's why I am really eager to get back to work. I just wish I didn't have such a shitty chair at work (which I found in the garbage 9 years ago).

I absolutely believe that, Kelly. I cannot fathom lliving with pain like this with no end in sight. That would make anybody suicidal, I think.

Deb said...

My toothache follows the same rules. Eating is out, unless I grind up my food with my front teeth, which ain't pretty. So I totally empathize with you. I'm off pain pills and giving straight Bailey's a shot. Will report back on that.

phlegmfatale said...

So, for a change, Nigel is making plans for someone else?
Garsh. I hope he sods off really soon, honey, or that we soon hear young Nigel say he's happy - he must be kept happy.

Stephanie said...

OMG Nigel... genius
Seriously, thank you... I don't think I've laughed that hard in a long time... I'm not saying it's funny, but somehow it just really really was
I'm not laughing at your pain, I totally empathize with that, I spent a few years with frequent trips to emergency with insane back pain..

John Mutford said...

No offense, but your friend Nigel sounds like a real dick.

JustRun said...

Nigel. LOL. And if I didn't know (albeit just a little) how much of a pain a back injury really was, I'd laugh harder.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Good gravy woman, get better soon! I mean it.

Serah said...

good luck going back to work.

Beth said...

So very sorry life sucketh at this moment, Barbara.

Strawberry Blondie said...

Oh, the back injury diet. That's almost as good as the mono diet I enjoyed last year. Sleeping and lying around for 16 hours a day and having weight just drop off. If it only it were that easy when healthy, eh?

Feel better, and good luck with Nigel...

BeckEye said...

Sounds like Nigel's pain goes to 11.

Anonymous said...

How exactly did you and Nigel meet. I was away and missed that part.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Ouch, Deb, toothaches are nasty business! Still a straight Bailey's diet does have its appeal.

I was very careful about Nigel today, Phlegmfatale, and I believe that we may soon be reaching some sort of agreement. This is my hope anyway.

I spent a few years with frequent trips to emergency with insane back pain - you don't know how much it hurts me to read this, Stephanie. So many people, I am finding out, have suffered horrible back pain. And yet I seem to be the only one bitching about it.

Sssshhhhh, he'll hear you, John, and then there will be all sorts of hell to pay.

I'm hoping that if Nigel and I can come to an understanding, then I can convince him to be on his way, Justrun.

Yes sir, Dr M! You are the doctor, after all.

I was actually really happy to go back, Serah, albeit only for a few hours.

Thanks, Beth, but this too shall passeth.

Ooooo, the mono diet sounds divine, Strawberry Blondie, you know, except for the feeling sick and housebound part.

hahhahahahaha you win for best Spinal Tap reference, Beckeye. Now I feel like watching that again. Love Nigel Tufnel (not Nigel the backache).

We met while I was exercising, ironically enough, Gifted Typist. He said something about that which doesn't kill you will make you stronger.

Joe said...

Good luck with your recovery. Back pain is exhausting--it's hard to communicate to someone who hasn't experienced it just how draining it is.

BBC said...

I've always ate to live, not lived to eat, so have never had to think about dieting.

Good luck with the back, I fixed mine with my own exercise program and now haven't had trouble with it for years.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

How true, Bubs. I have gone from being a person who never ever naps to one who naps 3 hours a day. On a good day. Thanks for the good wishes.

Hi BBC, and welcome! You are one of the rare few who have that relationship with food, I think. Oddly enough, it was during exercise that I hurt my back, but obviously my form was bad.