It's easy. Simply get yourself a debilitating back injury and watch the pounds just fall off. Of course they will start creeping back on once you start eating again, so I guess I don't really recommend it.
It's our three-week anniversary today, my back injury and I. We've been together for so long now that I feel I am really getting to know it. I think I'll call it Nigel.
Some other things I have learned about back injuries and pain in general from my three weeks with Nigel are:
- Pain seems to wreak havoc on your hypothalamus. Or maybe it's all the drugs. I used to be someone who was quite comfortable in a sweater during the winter even though we keep our house quite cool. Not anymore! I wear at least four, sometimes five, layers all the time now. I am rocking the bag lady look, I tell you.
- You can be comfortable or you can be awake. You can't be both.
- Therapeutic massages hurt like hell the next day. People tell me that they are worth it and they really do help to strip away the scar tissue, but I sure dread them.
- All drugs stop working after a while, and there is nothing scarier than when your drugs stop working on a weekend or a holiday and you have to wait a few days to see your doctor.
- Pain is a major depressant.
- I used to prefer cloudy days to sunny ones, but right now I cannot tolerate them, as they depress the hell out of me. Thank god it's way too sunny in this damn place.
- Once the really debilitating pain has passed into aching or stabbing pain, you learn to appreciate the subtleties of pain. It really is quite a fascinating phenomenon, with so many levels and so many degrees. No wonder pain control is a multi-billion dollar industry.
I am going back to work tomorrow.
I'm a little terrified, but anxious to break out of this cycle of taking pills and sleeping. I may only be at work for an hour or two, but at least I can get my files together and bring them home, so that I can deal with those crucial items while still getting my naps in.
Wish me luck.