Tuesday, December 18, 2007

she needs a little Christmas right this very minute

Right about now I am starting to wonder if my mother in law has received her Christmas parcel from us yet. Because the second she does, she will have it ripped open. She will be thrilled for about half an hour, then she will forget that we even sent anything, and come Christmas she will be all depressed that she doesn't have anything to open. And this is not a sign of senility, she has always been like this.

I try to utilize just-in-time delivery on all her gifts but that's a little risky at this time of year. So I've had to realize that she is a big girl and has to
take responsibility for her own actions.

She has a big heart, though. She takes it upon herself to ensure that all the strays have new underwear for Christmas even if she cannot remember their names; she does some creative regifting and then makes sure that everyone knows that it is a spite gift, and she'll even help you out if she thinks that you are opening your Christmas gifts too slowly. Because it's meant to be a race, don't you know?

I'm sure glad we didn't get her something like a George Foreman grill, like Jerry's brother got her for her birthday last month. That still has her puzzled. Everybody was explaining to her how it worked, how the little ridges allowed the grease to drain off the food and empty into a receptacle, and telling her how what kinds of food she could cook on it.

"What about eggs?" she wanted to know, and when we explained that eggs really wouldn't work all that well with the ridges, she tried another approach: "how about peas?" Um, no. "Then what about beans?"

I sort of wish I could be there to watch her cook something.

But I guess I'll just wait to hear about how she's got nothing to open at Christmas.


Toccata said...

"How about peas?" I don't know why but that one caught my funny bone.

Anonymous said...

how about pancakes?

Allison said...

Your post started a coughing/laughing fit. The "what about peas" comment killed me. I cook asparagus in mine, so I guess if you carefully lined up the peas...I am so going to try that! ;)

Evelyne said...

"What about peas" is such a good line.

Your mother in law would hate Christmas in our family, I think that we are the slowest gift openers on Earth... it takes so long, so we alway end up going to be around 3 in the morning.

John Mutford said...

What about mashed potatoes?

Ah the ghost of Christmas past. I remember reading about her last Christmas. I hope she becomes tradition at your blog.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

That line has become a running joke around our house, Toccata.

Maybe strips of pancakes, Kelly.

I do want to hear how that turns out, Al. The device would be perfect for asparagus though, wouldn't it? I'm going to suggest that to Jerry's mom and that will no doubt open up a whole new can of worms.

She would explode, Evelyne!
We were incredibly slow when I was a kid too, but now Jerry and I have compromised and we are at normal speed (halfway between my upbringing and his).

Don't put any mashed potato ideas in her head, John. She's bound to try it.
hahaha I love how Jer's mom has become a Christmas tradition, I feel rather like Alan Maitland on As It Happens now. Except I am still living.

Beth said...

I love George Foreman peas!

Joe said...

Tell the old woman that the obvious solution is to immediately switch over to an all meat, all the time, diet. That grill will work just fine, thank you. And then the rest of you can just give her meat for Christmas, along with the occasional lump of dough for frying.

MizBubs' mom used to be famous for encouraging everyone to tear gifts open quickly, pointing out how much she'd spent on stuff, and then if she opened something she didn't like she'd literally toss it aside, or sometimes even back at the giver, saying "I don't need this."

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I should actually check to see if George Foreman has a pea recipe on his website, Beth. Thanks for the idea!

Frankly, she would love an all-meat diet, Bubs. She's a real carnivore. But even she has more tact than Mizbub's mom. Boy those Christmases must have been fun.

phlegmfatale said...

you need to send your gift for the MiL to her next-door neighbor, and let them surprise her with it on Christmas. It's the only way to be sure and ensure missing out on the burning-stench-of-martyr Christmas tradition.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

That is far too sensible a suggestion to ever work in our family, Phlegmfatale, but could be well worth the try.