Wednesday, July 25, 2007

well since you asked so nicely

The fabulous Beth has tagged me with 5 random questions, just the sort of questions that find their way into any great conversation.

And here they are:

1. Who was your Tiger Beat crush? Do you still find him cute?

Oh dear, I’m off to a bad start here, as I never read Tiger Beat. I was your more pretentious type, making sure I always had a copy of Albert Camus or Ayn Rand tucked under my arm. Existentialists do not read Tiger Beat; it’s in the rule book. Some of my friends had things for David Cassidy and Donnie Osmond, but I thought they were being idiots.

2. You’re the new hot voice out there, and everyone wants to play with you. Who do you pick to play in your backup band?

Now you’re talking! Warning: this is going to be one big band.

My drummer will be Matt Tong (Bloc Party), my guitarist shall be Jonny Greenwood (Radiohead), I’ll be singing duets with Stuart Murdoch (Belle and Sebastian) on the lovely twee songs and with Bry Webb (the Constantines) on the hard driving kick-ass songs. When my voice gets tired, Neko Case will fill in for me.

Thom Yorke (Radiohead), Morrissey, Jarvis Cocker, and Michael Stipe (REM) shall all be my dancing boys, and of course they will all be sharing singing duties as well. Gordon McIntyre (Ballboy) will do any speaky bits in the songs because he has the best accent.

John K Samson (the Weakerthans) will be the lyricist, and Colin Meloy (the Decemberists) will be the historian on those sweeping epic songs, and also in case we need someone who sounds smart and kinda dorky.

Chad VanGaalen will make and play all the weird sounding instruments, although Jonny will certainly offer some input on the designs. Bobbie Gillespie (Primal Scream) will provide the handclaps, Laura Barrett (sometimes of the Hidden Cameras) could handle glockenspiel with her good-humoured panache, while Wayne Petti (Cuff the Duke, Hylozoists) could do the honours on piano.

Jim and William Reid (the Jesus and Mary Chain) will style our hair, and Eugene Hutz (Gogol Bordello) will be our translator. Shane McGowan (The Pogues) can defend our honour in the bar, and John Lydon (the Sex Pistols, PIL) will negotiate our contract. Our record label will of course be New and Used Records.

And of course I will welcome any of you to join in with your triangles, recorders, tambourines, and Tiny Tyke guitars.

3. What’s your favorite curse word? When do you use it?

While I use “fuck” whenever possible (as it is such a great all-purpose word), I do tend to favour the German curse phrases that my father used. Great phrases like:

- Scheiße in der Hose
(shit in the pants):
good for when you bang your thumb or drop your keys

- Arschloch mit den Ohren
(asshole with ears):
excellent for dismissing idiots

- gekrümmt gebohrtes Arschloch
(crookedly drilled asshole):
see above

4. What’s your guilty pleasure TV show, the one you’re almost embarrassed to admit you watch?

I am using the word “pleasure” very loosely here, because I actually hate it with a passion I can’t even begin to describe, and the few times I have viewed it, I spent the whole time spitting vehemently “how can they take a 10 minute show and stretch it into an hour? Those people are all idiots!” So, I don’t know how got talked into watching Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? as many times as I did.

I do watch Survivor of my own volition, however, and I am cringing slightly as I admit that.

5. Which is your very favorite bauble?

Bauble meaning jewelry? I actually don’t wear jewelry, with the exception of a plain gold wedding band indicating that boys cannot have me and my watch telling me I am late once again. I’m pretty low maintenance in my girliness.

But if I can extend bauble to mean things made of glass, I have a large, low, slightly opaque blue glass bowl on the coffee table that fills me with joy whenever I see it.

And now five questions for you:

1. You are on death row and about to order your final meal. What will it be?
2. Have you ever named your car? What kind of car and what did you name it?

3. What are your top five desert island movies?

4. Who would win in a fight to the death, Harry Potter or Frodo Baggins?

5. What is your stripper name? (The name of your first pet as your first name [plus the name of the first street you ever lived on as your last name)

I'm going to tag these five bloggers. And because we are all about randomness today, their names were drawn from a hat:
Have at it, folks.


Beth said...

fabulous answers, Barbara!

1. I was one of those David Cassidy idiots. But I was also reading Gore Vidal in those days. Do I get a point?

2. I will be your first groupie, and follow y'all on your world tour. I love that you added dancing boys, just like Beck! Excellent, excellent band; Will has his work cut out for him.

3. I gotta learn some German. I recently picked up a good French-born phrase: what the le feck? Gets the point across, doesn't get you in trouble at the office.

4. Proud to say I've never watched either show ... but I have been caught a few times watching "The Girls Next Door," about Hugh Hefner and his "girlfriends." Yes, I know; my feminist card should be revoked simply for typing that admission.

5. Don't you love those pieces that just looking at it gives you pure joy?

And brilliant questions for your five!

justacoolcat said...

Fuck that was some fucking cool band conducting. I can't believe I've been tagged, fuck.

Or as I like to say Fuckity-Fuck-Fuck.

Will said...

I answered mine. Love #2 ... first I thought you'd simply created the best boy band in history. However, with you and Neko Case on board, you've created the greatest supergroup in history. Take that Wilburys! And totally, N&UR would snatch that up in a second, before the whole bidding war ensued.

Joe said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Joe said...

love your answers, I love your label "the universe craves randomness" and I love your fine taste in tag targets.

So, I'm looking forward to hearing your alt-music big band.

Allison said...

That is THE greatest band line-up. Yes, notice the caps?? ;)

Hope your computer woes are no more.

phlegmfatale said...

It's the crookedly-drilled asshole that got me. Me love you long time.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

You just know what questions to ask, Beth!
Your refusal to watch the dreck on tv these days (and I'm sure the Hefner thing was merely research for your feminism paper) more than makes up for your school girl crushes. DC is not so bad, I was just superior back then.
What the le feck? Love it!

You thought you were going to live your whole life tagless, Just A? hahaha think again, my son! Will you and your tambourine be joining our fucking cool band?

If you've got the contract ready, Will, Johnny Rotten is ready to look it over with a magnifying glass.
I loved your answers! Thanks for playing.

I hope there will be room for all of us on the stage, Bubs. We may need to come and play in your backyard.

I am truly honoured by the caps, Al. Fantasy bands are so easy and rewarding. I think we should all belong to fantasy bands. And of course Bobbie G cannot handle all the handclapping on his own, so once you are fully recovered, we shall expect you to report for duty.

Awww, thanks PF - back atcha. My dad may have been a bit of an oddball, but he did leave me with a wealth of curse words.

Anonymous said...

Ok, I am really trying to imagine Thom Yorke , Morrissey, Jarvis Cocker, and Michael Stipe gyrating Motown-style in black suits with skinny ties. Kinda like the Pips, but undeadish. Yeah, that could work. could dress them up in rubber suits and have them sway and twitch behind you as you sing in a Robert Palmer tribute/parody.

Or...have them shave their heads (ok, not Stipe, that would be redundant) and have them tear up pictures of the Pope, Stephen Harper, Tony Blair, Simon Cowell, and Howard Schultz a la Sinéad while you sing “Chain of Fools”.

If you choose to use any of these ideas please remit all residuals to my offshore account.

GOB (pat. pend.)

Stephanie said...

HAHAHAHA I LOVE the Frodo and Harry question - genius!

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I think we may need to implement ALL of these ideas into our act, GOB! And naturally we will need to recruit you are choreographer, cause you know all the best moves.
How great to see you back on the internetz where you belong!

Well the two just seemed kind of interchangeable somehow, Stephanie. Do you notice how you never see pictures of them together?