Sunday, January 07, 2007

Can we please not discuss your relationships problems while you are holding those scissors in your hand?


My hairdresser terrifies me sometimes.

When we first moved here, she was recommended to me by a friend whose whole family has their hair cut by her, so I felt quite secure in trusting my crowning glory to her care. And generally she does a wonderful job.

However one day, a few years ago, my friend's husband showed up at our house with the oddest haircut. Rick normally has a full thick beautiful head of hair, but this day the whole front part of his hair was shorn right down to nothing, while the back part looked normal.

And then he told us that, in the process of making idle chit-chat during his haircut, he made the mistake of asking Gail about her husband. Turns out that she was in the process of splitting up with him. Being reminded of it made her so distraght that she completely butchered Rick's once-lovely hair and he was too frightened to say anything thing to her at the time.

Over the years, Gail found another man, whom she is also in business with, and all seemed stable, but we still joke about never asking her about her relationships while she is holding something sharp.

Last week I went in to have my colour touched up, and as I was sitting there captive in a hairdresser gown with evil smelly vile goop smeared on my head, we naturally started chatting. She asked me what I was having for supper and I told her, and she responded that she didn't know what she was going to cook. And then she said words that made my blood run cold "now that I am only cooking for myself".

Oh no, I thought, she's split up with her partner again and here I am being held prisoner. And I started praying to tiny infant baby Jesus, watching baby Einstein videos and learning about shapes and colours, please get me out of this unscathed. For, although I wasn't getting my hair cut that particular day (thank you tiny baby Jesus, doesn't know a word yet, but still omnipotent), that nasty hair dye could still do serious damage. I could come away blinded or suffering serious deformities.

I ever so smoothly switched the topic of conversation and managed to escape without having my skin or eyeballs seared away by toxic chemicals.

I'm pretty certain that Stuart Murdoch must cut his own hair. Or perhaps his mother cuts it.

"We all know you're soft cause we've all seen you dancing, we all know you're hard cause we've all seen you drinking from noon until noon again, you're the boy with the filthy laugh, you're "The Boy With the Arab Strap" [mp3]

And this one goes out to be little baby Jesus, 6 lbs 7 oz, in your golden fleece diaper: "If I Should Fall From Grace With God" [mp3]

28 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh, that was so funny. Must run. Have a sudden urge to cancel my upcoming haircut.

Anonymous said...

I know Rick's pain and must blog about it. I've been having haircutting issues lately myself.

668 aka neighbour of the beast said...

i am in a hairdresser dilema myself. both my regular hairdresser and the one i cheat on him with are both in town and i'm torn between the two of them.

mellowlee said...

haha, BRILLIANT, you worked them both in! Thanks for the tuneses Barb!! I would have been scared to death to go back to her. You are very brave!

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Just make sure that your hairdresser is happy and stable, before the scissors get picked up, Toccata!

Oh yay! I mean oh no! Sorry to hear about your dilemma, Dale, but I am looking forward to hearing about it.

It's like that Edward Scissorhands episode of Seinfeld, 668! Watch you if you see a big guy skulking around trying to get a hair sample from you.

I just always made sure I kept the conversation steered in a very neutral direction, Mel. I'm pretty good at deflecting dangerous chatter.
I hope you like the tunes. I love them both.

Allison said...

"tiny infant baby Jesus" I literally just finished watching Talladega Nights and I'm so glad because not only did I love it, but I can now partake in, and laugh/marvel at how you worked those into fully formed sentences.

And then the Pogues! Barb, you rule.

Glad you were saved from haircut hell with your clever deviation tactics. You've also reminded me I need a haircut.

668 aka neighbour of the beast said...

omg.. i totally forgot about that. now i'm scared.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I think Talledega Nights is a pretty brilliant film, Allison. It's actually better on second viewing. It could have been a really mean-spirited movie, but it's not!
Just make sure your hairdresser is in a good mood, that's all I can say.

And with good reason, 668. Imagine! Cheating on your hairdresser...

Anonymous said...

I feel your friend's pain. Back before I started wearing a wig and my own hair was long, I used to go to the same hairdresser all the time. SHe always did a fabulous job, and like your stylist, cut everyone except my father's hair. WEll, one day, as I'm sitting in the chair getting a trim, she started talking with her coworker about what she and her girlfriends did the night before. Seems they went to see the strippers and had a VERY good time. It wasn't until I got home that I realized there was a 2 inch difference between the length of the left and right sides. I did not go back again.

Anonymous said...

Y'know, some day, she might get so caught up in her rant (if, y'know, she's pissy at the time) that she plants the scissors right into your head ...

Anonymous said...

OMG, that's scary! My aunt is a hairdresser and she's the only one who does my hair, I know what's going on in her life so I can schedule accordingly.

Anonymous said...

LMAO! I watched Talladega Nights on Friday! That was hilarious that you included it in your blog! And the fact that I actually clued in is AMAZING!!!

You kill me Barb!

Mrs. Ritchie

Will said...

Well, serious congratulations are steering the conversation in a positive direction, thus ensuring your hair remains intact. Can't say I've ever had anything quite that drastic, though I did have a barber once who was rumoured to be a little drunk sometimes. Oh well. Murdoch probably has his mom do it, but she can't possibly travel with him on the road. Maybe he has an expensive stylist and he says, "Cut it like my mom would."

Wifey said...

I wonder why my current hair cut is so short. Excuse me, I must go teach baby jesus some new words.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Oh man, Karen - ain't nothing scarier than a hung-over hairdresser! I once had huge chunks cut out of the sides of my hair (not the same hairdresser). I never went back either.

Well that's one of my fears, Mal Snay. Hair will grow back - skulls not so much.

hahaha that's great,Maureen! Stay away from auntie - she pmsing!

Barbara Bruederlin said...

You kill me more, Mrs Ritchie! If I ever get called upon to say grace, I know exactly what I'm saying.

I don't know which would be worse, Will - an angry hairdresser or a drunk hairdresser. I imagine the results are similar.
"cut it like my mom would" - hahaha no doubt that is exactly what Stuart says!

Hi Wifey, welcome! Nice to see you over here!
God won't like some of those words you are teaching his kid! But I do realize why I wear my hair long - fear.

Anonymous said...

I put your song up over there Barbara.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I heard it too Dale and was amazed! And I left a challenge on the comments too, but SOMEBODY has comment moderation on. Check your email, you slacker!

(it was really quite an astounding song)

Evelyne said...

I really love the fact that my hairdresser doesn't talk much!

Few years ago, the hairdresser (my grandfather's sister) ruined my haircut... she started to talk to my mom and forgot that I was supposed to be more important than my mom, that she was supposed to cut my hair, not to talk... and once she also did the wrong haircut for my sister, my sister ended up with my haircut!

justacoolcat said...

DOH!

The Wifey hijacked my comment or more correctly I hijacked a browser and didn't know she was signed in.

I'm the one with the short hair, really really I am.

I'll bet that naughty Wifey reads your blog now if only out of curiosity as to what you two are talking about.

hilary m. said...

The baby jesus reminds me of the start of Talladega Nights when the car driver guy is thanking baby jesus for his meal, then people start talking about what they picture jesus as. It was probably one of the few funny parts of the movie. Thank god the DVD player broke and we ended up only watched half of it.

I got a haircut on Davie Street in Vancouver a couple days ago. Shortest it's ever been. I didn't mind, but the woman didn't speak much English and she didn't understand I wanted the front a bit longer than the back. Oh well, my hair does well in any type of short.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

So you too have seen the dangers of a hairdresser who isn't paying attention, Evelyne. And it's even worse when she's your grandfather's sister because you can't really complain to her (or demand your money back).

It all starts innocently enough, JustA - one day you start using your wife's online persona, then after a while that loses its excitement and the next thing you know it's full-out lingerie.

You are in the minority here on Talledega Nights, Hilary. Most of us really liked it, although I admit that the grace saying was my favourite part (which is why I stole it for this post),
Why don't hairdressers ever want to cut the back shorter than the front? Same thing happened to Eva last week.

phlegmfatale said...

That's so funny - another friend of mine had the "we all know you're soft" quote on her myspace page and I thought it was just some random thing someone wrote about her. :)

Yeah, hairdressers are a mercurial lot, ain't they? Good for you for steering conversation away from the topic of dinner alone. My hairdresser is a hot sexy mama who is unattached almost all the time, but she's a free spirit. Funny thing was a dear friend who is a society butterfly was furious at our hairdresser friend because she canceled their appointment on 9/11. This was funny to me - like you want an emotional wreck working around your head with scissors when we don't know if we're about to be nuked or something. Short-sighted, indeed.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Your friend must be a Belle and Sebastian fan, Phlegmfatale, bless her heart! Or perhaps she just likes boys with arab straps ...

Your friend who got mad at the hairdresser really dropped the ball on that one, I think. Serious shortage of perspective, there.

justacoolcat said...

My underwear are sparkly and silky.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

But do they lift and separate, JustA?

phlegmfatale said...

Well, she's been manic-depressive, and I suppose she was in "UP" mode on 9/11, hell be damned - she needed to function socially. Eek!

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Yoiks - bad timing, PF!