Thursday, November 23, 2006

I have extreme turkey envy
I sincerely wish all my American friends a most happy Thanksgiving, and a glorious four-day weekend in which to gobble turkey (or vegan substitute, if you swing that way), watch football, and take license to legitimately tackle some all-out, no-holds-barred Christmas shopping (again, if you swing that way).
I am jealous beyond belief. Well, for the four-day weekend and the turkey part anyway. The football and the Christmas shopping, I rank up there with having a boil lanced (which I may yet end up doing to my grapefruit finger, by the way).
While we are on the topic of jealousy, I was totally bitch-smacked by the green-eyed monster today when I read these reviews in ChartAttack and Pitchfork.
This description alone from the closing of the Decemberists' November 6 concert at Cool Haus in Toronto is enough to make me simultaneously groan with frustration (why no Calgary concert?), sigh with wonder at the very idea of ever participating in something so wonderous, and have a mini-orgasm:
The curtain was drawn with The Crane Wife's closer, "Sons And Daughters," where a lengthy singalong was conducted in a "Give Peace A Chance"-esque moment that saw the entire venue singing, "Hear all the bombs fade away."
But rather than dwell on how unfortunate I am, I would like to extend a small gift to my American friends as they partake of their holiday, and to all my other friends as well. It's a little game that all the cool kids are playing, called Marry, Shag, or Cliff.
It's really very simple; someone gives you the names of three people and you have to decide which one to marry, which one to shag, and which one to throw off a cliff. The marriage will be forever - no divorce and no killing of your spouse; the shagging will ocur only once, and then you will never see that person again; and the fall off the cliff is always fatal - no exceptions.
It can be rather difficult to decide sometimes, but hearing people's rationales for their decisions is always entertaining. Try it at Thanksgiving dinner or your next gathering. Fun for the whole family!
Happy Thanksgiving!


phlegmfatale said...

I'm afraid I'd just cliff people, bitter cynic that I am. Well, Cliff and Shag, maybe, but definitely not marry. Nevah evah.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

You are a wise woman indeed, Phlegmfatale. Wise beyond your years.

Maureen said...

I'm with phlegmfatale - learned the marry lesson the hard way, so I guess I'm left with cliff and shag and I like it that way. Why'd you have to mention turkey? Now I want turkey!!!

Barbara Bruederlin said...

So I guess I should really ask you ladies how many people you have cliffed to date. I won't even ask about the shagging. Don't need to know.

I'm so glad I could share the turkey envy with you though, Maureen. Gotta spread the joy around, you know.

Ruhee said...

George S, Jian Ghomeshi, Stuart Murdoch. Gimme your answers! :O

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Oh Ruhee, you are so mean! I hate this game; it's so hard! And you know us Libras, we can't make up our minds to save our lives.

Okay, marry Stuart because I could listen to him talk for the rest of my life; shag George because, well seriously, I'd be the envy of the nation and could probably get a book deal out of it. That leaves Jian for cliffing (sorry Jian!), but he'll probably still manage to get a radio show out of it. Oh snap!

Your turn, Ruhee. Jay Ferguson, Jian Ghomeshi, Joel Plaskett.

Allison said...
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Allison said...

That deleted comment was me, sorry! I didn't have my glasses on and read the instructions wrong...LOL! I thought we were choosing, I need to get me some contacts or something. This thread is going to be interesting, as we're all going to have to work. I leave you with these names then;
wayne petti, matt good and douglas coupland.

mellowlee said...

Im having turkey envy too, but im about to make your Indian Stew, so that's ok :)

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I wouldn't mind hearing your answers though, Allison! It is a fun (if frustrating) game.

Another tough decision: I think both Matt Good and Douglas Coupland would be difficult to live with, so I'll marry Wayne Petti. Shag: hummm, providing he didn't get any STD's from that floozy ex-wife of his, I'll take Matt, so I guess that means I'll need to cliff Douglas Coupland. Oh no, what will I read?

You turn: John Hughes, Jian Ghomeshi, Sophia Copola.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I actually have some of that Indian stew in the freezer, Mel! I forgot about that. I think we'll have that tomorrow night, as it's going to be deadly cold out.

justacoolcat said...

Thanks for the Turkey day wishes.
If you were here I'd give you some homemade apple pie. As for the game, I can't play. I never play games with people's hearts.Shag'em once, Cliff'em once, and they want to be married forever. I'm already a married man.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

In sincerely wish I had some homemade apple pie, JACC. You have no idea!
And how sweet of you not to play with people's hearts! Your wife is a lucky woman (whereas my poor husband is a long-suffering man).

Allison said...

OH, OH, you're horrible!!!

Well, Jian was my choice to shag. He makes me weak in the knees that one. I have this thing for dark eyes and boys who can pull off a pair of sneakers while still look sexy, not hot. I miss hearing him on SLC in the mornings. Plus, he single handily made me pick up Ulysses again. That's power.

I actually clutched my heart having to choose between John Hughes and Sophia. You evil genius. I think I'd have to marry John. I want to live with the mind that created pretty much all my favourite films. Now I have a hankering to watch Vacation, and the Breakfast Club. I once used the Molly Ringwald lipstick trick to get my out of an awkward situation. You'd think doing that would make it more awkward, but no. Thankfully there were no Judd Nelson characters to yell at me.

That's leaves Sophia for the cliff. I take solace in the fact that she won't take her films with her.

(I'd shag Matt too)

This game is brilliant and addictive. Totally going to be used over the weekend with friends!!

She's Crafty said...

I celebrated the American Thanksgiving for the first time when my daughter was 6 months old. I think I should attempt to encorporate some of their holidays into our family tradition, so that she knows a little about her heritage. (She's 1/2 American).

Okay, I have entered into something that I had better backtrack on lol! I will read again and come back prepared!

She's Crafty said...

Marry - goes to George for sure, I am not sure the once would be enough for me LOL! Forever kept awake by music and text messaging...I am pretty used to sleep deprevation.
Shag - Stuart, preferably before marriage to above. Does he sing to me in the morning? Or will he peace-out in the middle of the night,...I am a little rusty.
Cliff-okay, this is where things get mean. I like Jian. He's a good guy, but could be troublesome if put in the spot above, with the marriage and all. So over the cliff he goes.

Names: Chuck Klosterman, John Cusack, Kevin Smith.

John Mutford said...

Screw it. Cook a turkey anyway and celebrate the midterm elections and the cancellation of the OJ crap. Our American cousins are getting things back on track- cook a turkey in their honour.

A relative gave us "Marry, Date, or Dump" for Christmas last year. And despite the initial reluctance, played it and enjoyed it- for, as you said, the conversations that arose from the rationales. Though quickly we came up with our categories such as the "Marry, Shag, or Cliff" one you suggested. Often they got really bizarre and offensive, but I won't get into those here.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

You called me an evil genius, Allison! I've ALWAYS wanted to be an evil genius!
And I am impressed beyond belief that you did the lipstick trick. I would love to hear the full story about that one some day (or better yet, see a re-enactment on video).
Sorry to have given you such heartache in those choices. Life's tough, ain't it?

Serah, I think that's a great idea incorporating some American tradions into your family. Ella will appreciate that, especially as she gets older, I think.
hahaha I like your rationales for your choices! I have to admit that thinking about Stuart Murdoch singing to me in the morning makes me hyperventilate a little.
And to answer your question: Marry Kevin Smith - I love his twisted and profane mind; shag John Cusack - I've done worse; so I guess I would cliff Chuck Klosterman - I've not yet read his stuff so I'm not sure if I would regret that or not.
Here are my choices for you to decide, Serah: Joe Strummer, Thom Yorke, Johnny Depp. Oh right, you already answered a question. But this one is specifically for you.

I should cook a turkey in their honour, John, because you are right - things are looking up south of the border. I think I'll compromise with a roast chicken. I love those games that degenerate into discussions of morals and philosophies.

668 aka neighbour of the beast said...

oohhh oooh i want to play...

i'm going to leave this choice, it was the funniest/hardest one i've ever heard. it was on the radio a long time ago.

ben mulroney, ryan seacrest, brent butt.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

That one is brutal, 668! Oh wow! Okay, marry Brent Butt - humour gos a long way toward keeping you alive; I can't tolerate Ryan Seacrest in any way, shape or form, so cliff him; that would leave me with shagging Ben Mulroney (and then I would run screaming from the room).

Your turn, 668: Chef from South Park, Morrissey, Pete Doherty.

668 aka neighbour of the beast said...

haha. i chose marry brent butt, and so did the female dj. we both had trouble with the next part. i hate ryan seacrest, but i hate ben mulroney more. so cliff ben, and shag ryan. and then jump into a shower asap.

this one is easy for me. marry pete, shag morrissey and cliff chef. i hate scientologists ...:)

668 aka neighbour of the beast said...

i've decided that was harsh.. i hate scientolgy, not scientologists. :)

Allison said...
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Allison said...

Happy to fulfill an ambition, its true, you're an evil genius, but that's why we love you!
I will work on a video post before the holiday to showcase the lipstick trick ;)

OK, jumping into the Ben Mulroney talk. I have never been a fan, basically because I think his skin is so unnaturally orange it scares me. However, I heard him this number in a couple of radio interviews (I think on SLC) and he kinda won me over. Actually very smart guy.
But please don't throw anything my way because of it, I've just windexed the screen. It might leave a mark ;P

Ben Heller said...

No turkey, no thanksgiving cheer but can I play the game ?

Jenny Lewis
Joanna Newsom
Gwen Stefani

Judge for yourselves which course of action I'd take.

kees said...

No turkey for me either. But what a great game! I know a girl who categorises every single man she meets as shoot, shag or marry. She'd be good at this game.

Karen said...


Karen said...

Ok, I get the Marry and Shag references but "cliff"...? Should I marry then shag this Cliff person, or shag then marry him? I'm so confused.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

668 - but Chef is not actually a Scientologist, is he? Didn't he get captured by aliens or something? It is hard to separate the character from the actor though. You'd shag Morrissey? Okay that could be awkward, but I can certainly see why you would not choose to shag Petah, as that dude must be completely disease-ridden.

Allison - that would be beyond awesome to see a vid of the lipstick trick! hahaaha you'd have the boys just flocking to your site!
And about Ben Mulroney - I think you're right - I think it's his orangeness that is so offputting. I've heard him on SLC as well and on radio he's fine.

OF COURSE you can play, Ben! I'm guessing you would cliff that horrid coyote-killing Joanna Newsome with her nails-on-a-blackboard squeaky voice, marry Jenny Lewis because she seems sweet and the kind of person who would bake cookies, and therefore shag Gewn Stefani because she is pretty kooky and wild. Did I guess correctly? (those would be my choices as well)
Here's a tougher one for you, Ben:
Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie

Sounds like your friend has a system going, Kees. I wonder how long after she meets them that she categorizes them. Sometimes the cliffability takes a while to show itself.

Karen, you know those darn kids and their insistence about turning every noun into a verb! They make life so confusing, they do.

Ben said...

Spot on. Amazing powers of deduction you have.

Oh Barbara you're terrible. Putting me through this.!

O.K. for what it's worth...
Cliff - Paris, easy.
I'll have to think about the other two.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I can be mean sometimes Ben, I admit it. I'm not sure if this game is harder to play when you are given a choice of only stellar people or only horrid people.

Ruhee said...


Ahahaha, of course you're not, but you've got SOME kind of evil streak for giving me those three. Okay. Phew. Deep breath.

I'll marry Jay, because this is fantasyland, and we can write songs together (ha ha ha). Maybe I'll record on a Sloan album if that happens. Shag Joel (this is so hard!) - he's scrawny but adorable. I guess I have to cliff Jian too. He's kinda getting the bad rap, isn't he?

AHH, that was a really hard one, you rascal!

Have you got your CD yet?

Leazwell said...

Hmmm, I'll have to check my cliff notes....

Allison said...

Everyone's sending Jian over the cliff!!
I'll save him :)

Barbara Bruederlin said...

YES! Woohoo, I got it literally 20 minutes ago, Ruhee. Thank you! I just sent you an email.
I am horribly mean, aren't I? We (myself and the other evil person in the house) knew those choices would kill you. Although I guess they are actually killing Jian. Poor Jian...

hahaha Leazwell - you can always count on Cliff notes to give you the answer.

Thank goodness Jian has you watching his back, Allison! The rest of us take him for granted, I think.

Alana said...

Okay Barb, here's a fictional one for you:

Beavis (a la Beavis and Butthead)
Homer Simpson
Bert (a la Sesame Street)

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Sketchy, Alana, sketchy!

Okay, I'm thinking marry Bert, as I think he is quite tidy in his habits, providing I can tolerate that nasally laugh and that Ernie doesn't share a bed with us, shag Homer because he really is quite a lustful fellow and Marge seems pretty happy, and therefore cliff Beavis, whom I don't really know personally but seems rather cliff-worthy.

Your turn: Gord Downie, Matt Good, Vince Vaughn.

668 aka neighbour of the beast said...

ok, i thought of the best one, but i think it deserves a post on it's own, because i want to hear all of you answer this.

shall i steal barbara's idea and link it?

668 aka neighbour of the beast said...

and yes, i would shag morrissey. mainly out of curiousity's sake. thank god, it would only be once! and you are right, i should not tag chef as a scientologist. and he is supposed to be a good lover.... no, i will stick with morrissey. and i would totally marry pete, but i would wrap him in plastic.... :)

She's Crafty said...

Oh man....
Marry - Joe Strummer, a lifetime with that man wouldn't be long enough. I'm sure you had already guessed I'd pick him ;)
And now I am trying to rationalize: Well I couldn't leave the world without Thom Yorke so he gets saved from the cliff. I imagine he'd be a good time, but I think we should be drunk? I don't think I could live with him, marriage is out of the question. One of us would end up over the cliff and it would probably be me, LOL! It would have been to easy to have a roll with Johnny Depp. The choice between the last two was painful, and torture!
Sorry to Jian and Allison, good of you to save him. I couldn't, having him tempting me could be fatal.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

POST IT, 668!! By all means post it! Now you've got me all curious.
And in addition to wrapping Peter in plastic, I would recommend handcuffing him so he doesn't steal all your stuff.
Good thing Morrissey isn't celibate anymore!

Good rationale on your choices, Serah. I would be tempted to marry Thom just because I think he would be hilarious as an old man. (But I also want to marry Joe.)

Will said...

geez louise! 41 comments! I'm a little late in the game here, but I do appreciate the Thanksgiving wishes. No football on this end ... and not really Christmas shopping, although we did hit up the record store today for Sufjan's Christmas box set. As for food - yes, well the eating of the turkey and the stuffing and the mashed potatoes, along with apple and pumpkin pie did take place. and that is probably enough to make anyone envious.

668 aka neighbour of the beast said...

haha.. i have two! i'm going to write it right now, as i have to work tomorrow. :(

668 aka neighbour of the beast said...

ok, now that i've re-read the comments, it's not as good as i thought. it's kinda close to some of the others. oh well, whatever....:)

Deb said...

I'd pick Matt Good for all three, in this order:

shag, marry, cliff

Barbara Bruederlin said...

You're making me hungry, Will! I think I'll tackle some leftover pizza for breakfast.
How's Sufjan's box set?

They were good ones, 668!

hahaaha Deb! Wise choices! (Sort of like what his wife did - hey oh!)

Evelyne said...

That's so hard to choose, I'll have to think about this one!