Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Fiddy's been done, and so has Diddy, as has JRoc and KFed, so what are we going to call Will?

Let me first say that I have a tremendous degree of respect for Will in his capacity as a music critic and film-maker and someone who has his thumb firmly on the pulse of what is about to go down in pop culture. But never did I dream that our friend Will, proprietor of New & Used Records, was also a rap master extraordinaire.

But it's true, my friends. And through some great turn of fortune, I have been blessed recently with not one, but two, Will Benham original compositions in my honour. I can't tell you how thrilled I am. But I sure can share them with you.

Somebody give the man a beat fer Christ's sake:
office depot you was whack/
messed with the zombie and you got smacked/
best fire that manager whose like ricky gervais/
at least give him a lesson in customer service/
it was a trying time, took a couple a months/
but eventually, btz had you for lunch/
now i'm still wary of office depot/
cuz if my shit don't work, don't wanna deal with a creep-o/
but now you made it possible for barbara to buy some blank cd's/
to which i say, can i get a copy of the victory mix please/
now in conclusion, i gotta spread it around/
don't fuck with the zombie, cuz she will throw you down/
because you're not only dealing with her/
you're dealing with an army in the blogosphere

And if that doesn't get your bling jingling and your gold teeth flashing, how about this one:

go barbara
it's your birthday
gonna party like it's your birthday
gonna eat salmon and pizza like it's your birthday
and you don't give a fuck cuz it's your birthday

hope you don't have to work
office depot's still a jerk
a new decemberists cd would make me go bezerk
you got some mix cd's from some offspring
and hopefully there's no songs from the offspring

Oh yeah! Now that's what I'm talking about!

The only thing is, "Will Benham" just is not going to cut it as a hip-hop moniker. If Will is serious about promoting his obvious rapping talents, he's going to have to get his bad self a bad-ass name. A yellow PVC suit wouldn't hurt either.

What should Will's hip-hop alias be?


michelle said... I am floored - BRILLIANT, just fucking BRILLIANT.

Girlfriend, you SO go it going on. Give us some backside & drop it like it's hot, mama...

Uh, hi, it's me michelle again. Those were some smooth rhymes my sister. Sorry about my dad's side of the family taking over there. ;)

Barbara Bruederlin said...

The German side of the family? Cause you know those Germans are totally bad-ass rappers...
hahah jk, Michelle. I'd love to see a musical collaboration betwixt you and Will. That'd be baaaaad.

WolfHeart RavenHorse said...

I can actually say I know you...I can say are so cool and you are my friend! Wow! I am a lucky SOB! :) We gonna be bustin' some moves at the next womanly weekend, I tell ya! May have to invite Young Will the lyric slapper there to get us really rockin!


Barbara Bruederlin said...

No,I'm the lucky SOB, Bev, having friends like all you guys. I think Will is a pretty brave fellow, but there are limits to anybody's bravery. A Martha weekend can be a very scary thing.

michelle said...

ooh yeah honey, my German side really roks da hovel. hah. Oh, the stories I could tell you about naked sauerkraut body bowling...

Oktoberfest never looked so good on me, hahah. ugh, not.

I don't think I could hold a feeble spark to Will, that's some serious talent!

mellowlee said...

LOL! I don't have any suggestions for his hip hop name, but those were excellent! Go Will!

Allison said...

I can't think of any cool suggestions for a name, but those raps were very impressive. Well done Will!

Karen said...

Hmmm. How about Will-B? I went to the Rap Name Generator ( and entered his came up with T-Funk. Does that suit him?

Mine was Chanel E.

Will said...

Hmmmm ... well in my rockstar days (all two of them) I was known as Grapefruit Juice ... in my DJ days (all one of them), I was known as Professor Grapefruit. I have a hat with "Grapefruit Juice" all grafittied out ... but, lately, I've been kinda leaning towards just "Professor" or maybe "The Professor."

Anyhow, thanks for the mad love on the blog - I know most aspiring rappers would love that kind of attention. I'll try and come up with some more rhymes. In fact, I might make every comment a rhyme from now on ... which means I need to go back and rewrite this.

Ben Heller said...

There was a guy who was writing Raps about he and Will on a blog site not so long ago and I can't for the life of me remember his name.

He was so funny because he is Swedish and his rapping is soooo bad.

He did a Rap about going to America and Will was going to make him a star.

I'll have to think about his name.

She's Crafty said...

Wicked! Professor Grapefruit it is!

Will said...

Bo was his name, Ben, and he was tight. You're just jealous!

Ben Heller said...

How about Will.i.ain't

Will said...

T-Funk? What does the T stand for ... and Will.I.Ain't is pretty good, Ben, seeing as how it works as a not so subtle diss to my arch nemesis. I'll totally collaborate with Michelle - I have no qualms about collaboration. I'm like the white guy who writes raps in blogs equivalent to Sting.

kees said...

Professor Grapefruit is perfect. Love it. A star is born.

John Mutford said...

Could we stick "white" in there somehow? Professor White Grapefruit or something? It's not quite as catchy, but something is screaming "white" here. P-W-GFruit maybe?

Barbara said...

Pink, grapefruits are not white... or Professor Will PG
sounds x-rated

Jas Bhambra said...

Thats awesome! :)

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Whoa, Michelle, naked sauerkraut body bowling! We used to do that all the time when we got together with our German relatives. It's a national sport.

Who knew we had such a Shakespeare in our midst, eh, Mel and Allison?
I even have Will's autograph!

That rap name generator is pretty cool, Karen. Mine is Lala Trix-E, which I think sounds more like a stripper name.

Oh Will, I love Professor Grapefruit! It's totally you (and grapefruit is my favourite fruit as well). I was thinking da Ali W, but have now changed my mind.

hahah Ben, that dude in Sweden's ears must be burning lately! Will was just telling me about him the other day. He sounds like a hoot. Those swedes are so bad-ass!
Will.i.ain't - not bad, not bad at all!

Yes I agree Serah, Professor Grapefruit!

I heard a rumour that Michelle once did collaborate with Sting, Will, so you'd be in good company.

I with you on that one, Kees!

Add a "white" eh, John? Or maybe an "ice" - that's a pretty white noun.

Grapefruit actually can be white,Barbara W. At least on the inside. But they are pretty sour. So yeah, I don't know if we want to accuse Will of being both white and sour.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Pretty cool, aren't they, Jas?

John Mutford said...

Ice. I like it. Retro-cool.

Maybe he could keep mixing it up, just like Puff Daddy. Or P. Diddy. Or Diddy. Or the artist formerly known as Puff. (I'm so confused). Anyway, here's my plan:

Year 1: Professor Grapefruit.

Year 2: Professor G-Fruit.

Year 3: Professor Ice G-Fruit.

Year 4: Professor IG Fruit.

Year 5: PIG Fruit

Barbara Bruederlin said...

hahahahaha that is a beautiful plan, John!

And then in year 6, maybe he could be the artist formerly known as PIG.

John Mutford said...

But then that's it. 6 years is the maximum life span of a rapper's career.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I completely agree. After that, it's the movie career.

Anonymous said...

question for barb the musically insightful....What makes a song a "classic"? On that..I was scanning radio today and a really old song "Liberty Valance" came is from late 50's i think, i'm not sure why i really like it...maybe there are memories of music dad listened to...maybe its just one of the wide and varied songs i like....I would consider it a classic..although i likley won't hea rit again for months maybe years and many people who comment on your blog won't knoew the song, the artist or the movie that it was theme to.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

That's a good question, Kelly. Is it simply a matter of age of the song? Personally, I don't think so. I can think of many songs which were instant classics, ie OK Computer. I think a song that resonates with people and that is recognized as having longevity would be a classic, IMO.

I remember that song too, for some reason.

Deb said...

That song just points me in the direction of my Dad as well Kelly. To me, that's a "classic"...a song that immediately transports you somewhere or to someone. That, over time, still has the ability to put you right in a moment. That's MY interpretation anyhow.

I'm apparently known as Kandle Fabulous. Hhhmm.

I love all the Grapefruit names and agree with the different variations over time idea....that seems to keep it fresh (or is it "phresh"?....I'm so uncool).

Deb said...

(stripper names for sure Barbara!)

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I think you are onto something, Deb, with your interpretation of a classic song. It transports you, yeah.

Kandle Fabulous is totally a stripper name and a pretty darn good one too.

Will said...

Who knew that I - WILL BENHAM - would be the subject of such a discussion????? Take that 7th grade math teacher!!!!

Barbara Bruederlin said...

And the gym teacher too, Will, because they are generally always evil as well.
Not only are you the topic of discussion here, we are planning your entire career. Do you like it so far?