Saturday, June 03, 2006


In the event of decapitation, call 911

It was pretty warm the other night, so I had the ceiling fan on high as I was reading in bed. It started making quite a racket and I looked up to see that it had a distinctly elliptical rotation and a disturbing wobble.

It reminded me of the series of fiction that Matt Good was writing on his blog about a year ago. One piece started with the tale of a man who was killed instantly when a ceiling fan crashed down on his head.

This got me checking out the angles and trajectory possibilities of the wonky fan directly over my bed. I found temporary peace in the fact that it was not actually right above my head, more above my knees, until I realised that, upon crashing into my kneecaps, the still rapidly rotating fan blades would be poised at an ideal angle and distance to slice through my throat. With any luck at all, it would actually slice my head right off.
And then I thought, "meh. Que sera sera" and I went to sleep.
***
What about at your place? What kind of walking time bombs do you live with every day? Because I know you've got some ...


30 comments:

Barbara said...

The myth busters did a show on the same kind of senerio... the Myth was Busted that a ceiling fan can decapitate you. I would have to be industrial size with blades sharpened for the purpose and you would have to jump up into the fans blades to get the effect. They of course went to great lengths to see this effect.

hilary m. said...

My fan loves to wobble. When I was little, my parents told me that if I pulled the cord below my fan it would fall off and hit me in the head. It actually controlled the light. But I'm still kind of scared of the fan.

ps. I finished organizing the records (well getting them in alphabetical piles) without dying. I should post some pictures later of my struggles.

Barbara said...

Sorry correction: It would have to be industrial size... not I would have to be industrial size.... I think if I was and I had blades I could be some kind of super hero or villain.

No I have not been smoking anything.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

What great news, Barbara W! I shall sleep soundly for the rest of my days - thank you for the peace of mind.

Isn't Myth Busters a great show? Obviously I missed the one on the ceiling fan though.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Your parents have a sick sense of humour, Hilary. You've got to admire that!
Well done on the records. Is this a Father's Day endeavour?

I'm a little disappointed, BW. I had these glorious visions of an industrial-sized you with these sharpened fan blades as arms. It was wonderful.

hilary m. said...

not really. Gosh. I should tell my dad that though. Good idea!!!

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Hmm, maybe I should organise the hubby's vinyl for a Father's Day present too, Hilary. Wait a minute, why do I have to buy my HUSBAND a FATHER'S day present?

Does anyone else think that is a little sick?

Barbara said...

I think it's sweet.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

You don't think it kind of smacks of Uncle Daddy-ism, Barbara W?
I've always felt that way.

Allison said...

I saw that Myth Busters too. I heart that show. I don't have any objects above my head that could harm me, but the 'hardwood' floor in my apt slopes in one place, and every single day I feel like I'm doing a parody of Tom Cruise in Risky Business as I slide into the couch.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

hahaha Allison. I hope you're wearing your tighty-whiteys and sunglasses as you do that!

Jas Bhambra said...

I have left my iron on on more than one occasion, actually quite often. And today as well. I fear that I would wake up to find that I am scorched and very much dead...

John Mutford said...

WIth two kids, our stairs are a real danger zone. You never know when you might break your neck sliding off a plastic Dora.

Other than that, I've learned recently about the horrors of leaving on your dryer when you leave. Who knew?

Barbara Bruederlin said...

See, Jas, this is just one more reason why I do not iron. As if I really needed more reasons!

Cats are deadly for leaving stuff on stairs as well, John, although generally they own fewer toys.
Yikes - I often have the dryer running when I leave the house. What happened?

Jacquie said...

Well, I see tragedy and death all around me which is why I am not a good candidate for motherhood, but I assume I am paranoid. I have had similar experiences with ceiling fans and I just turn them off, but I like how you live on the edge.
I also live in a 60 year old apartment where people do their own electrical and other work, and standards of maintenance are low to nil..but it's cheap! so that's my version of daring I suppose...

Ocean said...

I too had a celing fan above my bed. Nope I never turn it on, just for this reason. Imageing it falling, which is most likely not going to happen. Anyway it makes me dizzy to watch it go round and round. Ocean<----has a night lite, never sleeps in the dark.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Oh yes, Jacquie, sleeping under a ceiling fan is my version of edgy all right. I'm such a dare devil!
From what you've told us of your building - living with the undead and such - you really are flirting with danger!

Sadly, Ocean, I don't need a nightlight particularly in summer, as we only get about three freakin hours of dark here. So I don't really sleep.

John Mutford said...

Barbara B,
Oh nothing's happened with the dryer, but I mentioned at work leaving it going when I leave and people reacted like I had been sticking my hand in a toaster or something. Apparently, dryers are big fire hazards.

And we have a ceiling fan above our fan too. We've never actually had it working, but listening to these discussions, I guess I should be glad.

John Mutford said...

Oops. I meant a ceiling fan above our bed- not above our fan. I guess a double decker fan WOULD be a hazard!

Barbara Bruederlin said...

hahaha - think of the cooling power behind that double-decker fan, though, John!

I have heard of a friend of a friend who lost their house via a dryer hose fire.
But don't even get me started about sticking your hand in the toaster or I shall be forced to tell you how I have this fear that I will one day stick my arm into the running garburator.

Maureen said...

I had a fire in my dryer one day, luckily I was home so it didn't turn into anything major. I still live life on the edge by leaving mine on while I'm not home though, mwahahahaha!

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Don't let that dryer intimidate you, Maureen. Show it who's boss! Man, you had a fire, though? Yikes.

kelly said...

been to a few dryer fires...usually caused by lint build up......cieling fans...i have 2 that i leave going all year...just change direction in winter and summer....i love em...hazards here are spiders and killer tree fungus

~Jen~ said...

me causing the bathtub to fall into the downstairs apt while im in it naked and dead from the fall...least i would hope i did die b/c the humiliation would likely kill me...
getting so fat id fall and be unable to get up....
falling out my window...

phlegmfatale said...

Seems like they threw themselves bodily into ceiling fans on high on Jackass on at least one occasion. And even though it's hard to gauge the damage since those guys started out from a field of intellectual deficit, they seemed to incur no lasting ill effects from the experience.

phlegmfatale said...

oh, time bombs don't last in my house - i'm living with an obsessive neurotic type who never lets a door knob get wobbly, and always changes blown light bulbs immediately. OH, and this is not nearly as neat as you might imagine.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Yes, I guess you'd be the residence expert on dryer fires, wouldn't you Kelly? Aside from Maureen, that is. So I'm assuming that simply cleaning out the lint trap with each load is not sufficient protection, as the exhaust hose itself fills with lint. Correct?
Spiders?

I'm sensing a theme here, Jen. You seem to have a issue with all manners of falling. For Christ's sake, make sure you get enough calcium!
Tub through the floor would be pretty humiliating, all right.

I had forgotten about the Jackass guys, Phlegmfatale. I think the ceiling fans suffered more damage than they did, although, as you say, they were already starting out at the shallow end of the gene pool.
I know you say living with a fix-it obsessor wears thin quickly, but MY GOD I'd love to try it for about a month. Round here we all wait for the other guy to fix something, so consequently every is going to shit. We may need to move when the house finally falls down.

Will said...

Walking time bombs? Well there are a lot of screws loose in our apartment and the manager doesn't like to fix things. So I can see our doorknob falling off any day now. But, all complaints aside, I do love our apartment.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Will, if loose screws are all that is wrong with your apartment, then you are blessed. That said, make sure you're stocked up on essentials in the event that your doorknob falls off, trapping you inside for a week - wine, beer, nachos, toilet paper...

Anonymous said...

Super color scheme, I like it! Good job. Go on.
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