Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Why I Hate Sylvester Stalone
(well, besides the obvious)
When I was in grad school I shared a house for a while with both the best room-mate I've ever had and the worst room-mate I've ever had. And they were brothers. Good room-mate and I were both doing our Masters in the same department and we were good buddies.
First we shared the house with Anal Cheapskate, who was so tight she could make the beaver fart every time she picked up a nickel. And after we drove her mad with our extravagant insistence upon actually paying for toilet paper, we happened upon Bolemic Aerobics Instructor Princess, who ate only raw cabbage and never took her winter coat off. Ever. (And believe me, that's when we really started going through toilet paper, if ya know what I'm sayin').
But those two gems are topics for a whole other post.
So then we got brother room-mate. He mowed the lawn at golf courses, or something. We figured, hey we're both grad students and we're managing to pay the bills, so this guy has a full-time job, he's a shoe-in.
However we hadn't counted on the facts that he (a) was as dumb as a sack of hammers, (b) was addicted to infomercials, and (c) used to wear a bandana around his head ala Monsieur Stalone while he practiced ju jitsu and ti kwando. Other than that, his main reason for living was to watch tv all day and all night. And he bought everything they advertised. Half of our kitchen counter was taken up with his Sealomatic food sealer, which I don't believe was ever used.
We used to split up responsibilities for the household bills. He was in charge of collecting money from us for the phone bill and paying it. Sounds fairly straight forward, yes? Except that we kept getting overdue notices with late charges and then a final notice. Turns out that buying a K-Tel Record Selector looked like a much better option to Brain-Dead Room-mate than paying the fucking phone bill, especially since he had already collected our share.
I grew to loathe the sight of him. One day I came down from my room where I had been working on my thesis all night and there he was sitting in the living room watching tv. The sight of the back of his head with that stupid bandana tied around it triggered a homicidal reflex in me, and I swear, had I a shotgun in my hands at that moment, I would have blown the back of his head off.
I think that's one of the reasons that I believe so strongly in gun control. And why I hate Sylvester Stalone so much. Stupid bandana-wearer.

28 comments:

Alana said...

Ah, roommates. A few years ago I lived with this dude. We had been dating for over a year, then he moved in, which lasted another year...

He always blew his nose in the shower...without tissues.

Top that!! :P

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Well, I guess someone shooting you in the back of the head would possibly qualify as worse, but that didn't actually happen.

I hope he at least cleaned the shower afterward!

Barbara said...

LOL *choke* "she could make the beaver fart every time she picked up a nickel." lol

~Jen~ said...

HAHAHAHAHA @ the beaver fart thing hahahahaha

phlegmfatale said...

You've got mad issues, honey! *LOL* You should have just boxed his ears, then throw him off balance by offering to perform a lewd sexual act on him. Keep him guessing.

Alana said...

No, he never cleaned the shower. He never cleaned anything. Stupid men.

I'm in an anti-happy mood. I'll stop spreading the hate now. Ciao lady.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Barbara and Jen - she squeezed those coins pretty damn hard. I swear I saw blood coming out of the beaver's ears one time after she grudgingly handed a nickel over.

See, Phlegmfatale, I'm not that good of an actor; to pull it off I would need to make that lewd suggestion without vomiting a little.
I'm actually really an even-tempered person - you guys just get to hear all my rants. Lucky you.

Aren't you glad he no longer shares your living space, Alana? Small blessings, my dear!

phlegmfatale said...

ah, yes! Lucky us!

kelly said...

k-tel record selector...omg thats more than a few years ago....haaa haaa

Will said...

Wow. Helluva story. I laughed ... didn't cry but felt for you. I've had some bad roommates in my day, but never one who used my money to buy crap from infomercials. I hate Stallone too - probably for the obvious reasons.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

haha Kelly - you caught me. This actually happened after the era of the K-Tel onslaught, but I couldn't remember the names of the other stuff he bought. It was the first thing that came to mind because you never forget K-Tel!

Hopefully you never had to contemplate murder with any of your bad roommates, Will.
I'm glad someone shares my despise for Stallone! Thanks for the support.

kelly said...

ummmm... i had a record selstor thing...along with several k-tel records

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Do tell, Kelly. What K-Tel records did you own? Come'on, spill!

kelly said...

lets see.....they were all many songs different artists ones they use to advertise on tv.....i was young....oh i rmember one...Goofy Greats..songs like purple people eater, wooly bully etc...no rolling your eyes

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I would never roll my eyes at that, Kelly. Purple people eater -a classic! I hope you still have it.

John Mutford said...

The infomercial guy reminds me of a roommate I once had from Ghana. While he was a nice guy, he had this bizarre habit of screaming profanities at Miss Cleo whenever her commercial aired. He did this whether or not anyone else was in the room with him, and I've never been given an explanation as to why. Maybe she foresaw something in his future that he didn't like? Who knows? Any theories?

Barbara said...

John I would have a clue if I know who Ms Cleo was...

tydes said...

That's why I've always had a place on my own. Except when I was a pothead... then I dumbed up and allowed the biggest freeloader in Alberta to move in.

All of my friends hated him because he was always expecting a free ride from everyone. Of course, he always had a line on the best weed. I just had to buy it. And then smoke it with him of course.

Maureen said...

omg, you brought back some awful memories - guess I'll have to do my own post tomorrow...

John Mutford said...

You've never seen those Miss Cleo ads? She was the psychic with the pseudo-Jamaican accent that advertised for years for a "free reading" until one day...

Barbara Bruederlin said...

That hilarious, John! I wonder if he still does that. Maybe he used to date her or something or she stole his car. Odd.

Barbara W - she was a tv psychic, I believe.

You should have gotten it free from him, Jeff. Isn't that what good roommates do? Oh right, he was a BAD roommate.
Sadly, I couldn't often afford to live on my own while I went to university (for about 100 years).

I can't wait to hear your stories, Maureen. I'll bet you've got some doosies!

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I remember her, John. I didn't realise she came to such a dishonourable end. Obviously your roommate knew more about her than he was letting on...

Alana said...

LOL, John Mutford! Miss Cleo was hiliarous. "Yes sweet thing, I can read your future over the telephone. I need your name, birthday, and credit card information, baby. What's that you say? Financial fraud? Well, I never!"

I almost peed myself when you said your roommate screamed profanities at her. :P I don't blame him for a second!

I find it funny she never saw that shit coming...

Barbara Bruederlin said...

"it's funny she never saw that shit coming" hahaha you win, Alana!

Barbara said...

We had JoJo's psychic hotline in Quebec. Her psychic network went the same way... I still like Jojo though. I met her is person once when she was shopping in our store. She was more of an astrologer than a psychic. She used to do the weekly horoscopes on the local CTV. She would say to the audience I love you, I kiss you. She was the same way in person. Hey to each her own.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I'll bet JoJo never got busted for fraud though, eh Barbara W?

Barbara said...

Well her network got it's pants sued off.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Really? What happened?