Sunday, March 05, 2006

Store Wars: Revenge of the Sick
I ran into my arch nemesis (quite literally) in Safeway yesterday. He's an obese old man on an oxygen tank who smells really bad. You know that sour old man in unwashed clothes smell, ratcheted up to the nth degree.
In my first encounter with him a couple of weeks ago, he and his cart were blocking the aisle. I stopped, said excuse me, and got no response. I said excuse me a bit louder, and his wife who was a ways up the aisle, turned and said "Frank, you're blocking that lady's way", so which he responded:
"Well, that's her problem, isn't it?"
Imagine my glee when I saw him and his cart partially blocking the aisle yesterday. He was rooting around on the shelf, looking for something fattening, and his long suffering wife wasn't with him. So I rammed his cart out of the way, sending it careening down the aisle.
I'm going to hell for sure, but it was worth it. And if you've read what my horoscope says in the About Me section of this blog, you have been sufficiently forewarned as to what I am really like.
So if you ever need anybody taken out in the grocery store, give me a call. I will be happy to do your dirty deeds (dirt cheap) because I love you.

27 comments:

Maureen said...

OMG, that is priceless! I want to take you shopping with ME :)

Will said...

awesome ... i've certainly fantasized about doing that a few times myself. at least you'll have a good story to share, even if it means going to hell.

~Jen~ said...

that story gave me a boner!

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Maureen, just say the word and I'm there. Maybe we can take out a few 20-item shoppers in the 15-item line, or something. Noooo, I'm not petty and vindictive!

Will, hi and welcome! You should give in to that fantasy every now and then. It's oddly liberating and perhaps we can tell each other our stories while we are burning in hell.

Jen, I'm so glad to hear that I can still get you excited. It means a lot to me. Honestly.

Barbara said...

I like the title! Store Wars... nice. I saw customers punching each other out over the use of the photocopy machine one day at my old store. Keep safe.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

What, Barbara-mtl? True story? That's astounding - I consider myself to be a bastion of decorum compared to that.

Stephanie said...

HAHAHA that's awesome.
I once who had a proff that was riding the bus and these kids were bouncing a ball around and it landed in his briefcase, so he threw it out of the bus window.
You remind me of him
Awesomeness

Barbara said...

Ok, it was a woman punching a man... I don't think he hit her back though. The stock clerk broke up the fight. Blame it on 'Photocopier Rage'. Did you get back the pic I stole?

Ruhee said...

Nice to see you're heading to hell as well. I would love some company. ;)

Siddharth Razdan said...

Ok, so, is this Canada like?

phlegmfatale said...

Husband's grandmother(I call her "grandbitch" behind his back) cured me of a long-held belief that all old people were a bit mellow and worthy of respect. Nowadays, they're fair game like everyone else. I come out of the chute polite and deferential, but when forced, I'll turn on a dime and be the apocalyptic bitch they were hoping to inspire. You totally rock for not taking any more shit from the old goat. I would have done the same!

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Stephanie - I am deeply honoured to be compared to that prof. Ball out the window - simple but effective - problem solved.

Barbara-mtl - I did get that hug picture - that was very cool, thanks. George and I look like book illustrations.

Ruhee, save me a seat on the bus to hell - we can discuss music or something on the way there. (although if that's where YOU are heading, I don't think there's a chance for redemption for the rest of us)

Siddharth - hello and welcome. No this is not at all Canada-like. This is woman-who-has-taken-enough-crap-like. Generally Canadians are much more peace loving.

Phlegmfatale (one of the best names in the blogosphere, btw) - thanks for the vote of support. I am completely in favour of politness and respect for older people as well, but as I age myself, I am starting to expect people to earn my respect. It's a fringe benefit to my grey hair.

Tydes Perdition said...

That's a beautiful thing. B, that almost brought a tear to my eye.

*sniff*

Barbara Bruederlin said...

That was a heart-warming story, wasn't it, Jeff? And knowing how it touched the humanitarian in you, well that was priceless.

Barbara said...

Barbara, I know it's unrelated to your post, but that has never stopped me before. I gave up mental telepathy and I emailed Jian re: what I want to hear on the National playlist. Well I asked him if he could pick a song from The best of Three Dog Night. Let's see if that works. I can't believe they never made it to the National Playlist before. This is what I do on my days off...

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Way to go, Barbara-mtl! Emails often work better than telepathy, I find.

A word of warning, Jian has never pitched any of my suggestions, although he did write back once agreeing with me when I championed Girlfriend in a Coma by The Smiths. Bu alas, he never did pitch it. I hope you have better luck!

Sean said...

my hero!.....you should ask me someday what I do to Hummers sometimes (only with the sufficent number of pints in my body though)....

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Thanks for the props, Sean. I am afraid to ask what you do to Hummers, though (and I'm assuming you mean the urban assault vehicle, not any other meaning of the word). I'm very afraid.

dykotomy said...

well, am i glad i stumbled upon yer gem of a blog barbara b - that was LOL. thanks for the grin before bed - and, Sean i'd love to hear what ee-vells you'd do to Hummers! LOL

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Hiya Dykotomy, and welcome! I'm always happy to provide a laugh (hopefully at somebody else's expense).

Kellee said...

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! Get 'em Barb - gnaw right through that oxygen hose. Old bugger. We must shop soon..it will be delightful! ;)
xoxoxo

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Gnaw through the oxygen hose! Kellee you're an animal!

Jacquie said...

I am surprised he doesn't have a flyer (those motorized carts seemingly given out like balloons to obese, old, but otherwise fine people in my neighbourhood, which they then use to menace said neighbourhood.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Flyers, eh? I've never heard them called that, but how fitting, Jacquie. So you are menaced by mean old people as well? Glad to hear (kinda) that it's not just crotchety old Calgarians.

Jas Bhambra said...

You are definitely not going to hell, Barb. In my opinion, its that nasty old man who would be there.

Old people sometimes really do not deserve the respect...

Couple of weeks ago, I was at the post office and this very distinguished looking elderly gentleman was trying to send a package without paying for it (it was a returned mail that he packed into a new package and but did not want to pay for new postage!).
The associate told him that he couldn't do that and would have to pay for it. The associate obviously knew that old man beacuse he was referring to him as Mr. (lets say) "Z" and was very polite. I was shocked when this old man started swearing and abusing him kept calling the young man 'son of a bitch'. He wouldn't stop and as such the associate had to ask him to leave and bring an official apology, but Mr "Z" did not stop the volley of swear words.

I was shocked beyond words!

In my opinion, respect has to be earned and being old doesnot necessarily entitle one to be respected.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

That's a great story, Jas. Post office guy seems to have handled that very well.

Anonymous said...

Very nice site! compare honda engines 92 honda civic parts Akktuelle preise von scpamis und hummer buy buspar cod buspar Klonopin for panic attacks cybersitter bp online credit card payment registration Jeep tj trailer hitch ontario Origami cars eibach alignment kit honda honda element review 2003 Gymnastic floor exercise mats http://www.manhattan-male-rhinoplasty-doctor.info/Breastenhancementsrhinoplastybreastreductionc.html Posture jogging Virginia .gov tax interal revenue 760 form 1982 honda gl 1100