Thursday, February 23, 2006

Any more excitement and I'll be wearing Depends
Oh yippee, I get to go for a mammogram tomorrow. There's nothing that says fun, fun, fun quite like having your breasts compressed between two plates while you hold your breath.
If you've never experienced the joy, let me share a bit.
First, the instructions on the requisition from the Radiologist:
"Bathe or shower day of examination (well, yeah!) and do not use deodorant, antiperspirant or talcum before examination (but my appointment's not till 1:00!). Stay on a caffeine-free diet (yeah that's going to happen) to minimize discomfort of compression (understatement much?) required for optimal examination. Pre-menstrual tenderness - you may delay booking until tenderness has subsided (what about the tenderness due to boob squishage?)"
I just adore placing my breast on a flat plate which is at about shoulder-level and then having the radiology technician moosh it about until it's just so. Then another flat plate comes down on that poor sad boob lying there, as well as whatever armpit flab you have, and everything is slowly tightened down until it's all squashed to about 1/2 inch thickness. Then you have to hold your breath, stand on your head, and spit three times over your left shoulder (okay I made those last two up). Many excruciating minutes and several plate tiltings occur (that's fun!) and then the other one gets its turn.
So if you haven't made your mammography exam appointment yet, what are you waiting for?
Guys, are proctology exams anywhere near this much fun?

16 comments:

michelle said...

Oh joy, the beloved mammogram. When I went in for my first one 2 years ago I was expecting, well, something like the waffle iron you posted (how apropos!). I would much rather have the mammogram than the pelvic exam any day - nothing says "you my clinical bitch" like having 2 fingers stuck inside you and another 2 digging on the outside of your pelvis feeling for your ovaries.

Best of luck and health to you Barbara for the ALL CLEAR! I have every confidence that this is merely a necessary nuisance. :)

Jas Bhambra said...

I like the term boob squishage. Ha ha. But no, I won't like to experience it!
Good luck with it, Barb.

Jacquie said...

May need to treat yourself to a few cds after that afternoon. Good Luck.

Barbara said...

I have been putting off that little exam for as long as I can. You are a braver woman than I am Barbara. I wish there was a blood test they could do instead. I would even take a math exam if that could replace it.
squishage. I like that word.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Thanks Michelle, oh yeah - it's just a screening thing that I do because of family history.
hahaha: "you my clinical bitch" - how painfully true - pelvic exams are their own special hell, but they do tend to be over faster than mamamograms.

Thanks Jas - someday, my child, you too will share the joy.

Oh Jacquie, you're reading my mind, and that's scary. It just so happens that the radiology clinic is at the local mall hehe and there are some cds I've been drooling over...

Barbara Montreal - you may have hit upon something there - a math exam in place of a mammogram, but if it's calculus, I'm screwed.

Neil said...

ha ha ha, I'm so fast. I figured out what the waffle press was all about as soon as you said Mammogram. Barbara, I give free breast exams but I suppose for you to fly to halifax it would kind of defeat that purpose. Just post a pic of the girls on your blog and I'll give you my opinion. HA HA HA.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

hahaha Neil you slay me! I'm afraid the girls are far too old to make their blog debut. I don't want to scare any readers away, or scar anyone for life.

Thanks for the offer though, Dr Armstrong!

Neil said...

Anytime, my friend. :)

Neil said...

PS - Barbara, I love your posts. Although I feel bad for you, I can't help but laugh a bit when you describe what they do.

Poor boobs. They were never meant to be treated that way. They were meant to be started at and drooled over, and sometimes covered in baby oil and.... er... nevermind.

Good luck with all that!

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Awww, Neil - you are the sweetest! No need to feel bad for me, I think that mammograms are actually pretty hilarious, and, you know me, post-whore - anything to get attention!
Now put away that baby oil and get back to work!

~Jen~ said...

gee im looking fwd to that....

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Jen, it's going to be so much fun you won't be able to stand it.

phlegmfatale said...

Gawd, I just turned 40 and I'm so dreading starting the regular round robin of mammograms. Sheesh.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Hi Phlegmfatale, welcome! Yeah, the joys of maturing - yay! Does it get any better than this?

kelly the fireguy said...

being an over 40 male........it took me days to work up the nerve to see my doc for a physical...all i can say is i am soooooo glad she has small fingers......
hee heee hee i'm spilling over from jens blogs now

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Hi Kelly the fireguy, welcome! Any friend of Jen's...
You get the bravery award for being the only male to lend his perspective on humiliating medical procedures. (Neil doesn't count because he only wants to talk about boobs). I never thought about finger size in relation to a protocol exam - good point.